The one liners thread

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The one liners thread

Postby keeping_it_riel » Sun Aug 30, 2009 8:12 pm

I called the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling.
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''I can still remember when your city smelled exciting. I still get a whiff of that aroma now and then.''
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Postby speargun » Mon Aug 31, 2009 3:08 am

hedgehogs.why cant they just share the hedge?
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Postby andyinasia » Mon Aug 31, 2009 10:44 am

Topic didn't specify jokes, right?

"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."

"The problem with the youth of today is that they listen to music that’s younger than the women they sleep with."

"Some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." -- Camus

Samuel Beckett: "I can't go on. I'll go on."


Quotes from the world of football -

"I never make predictions and I never will."
Paul Gascoigne

"75% of what happens to Paul Gascoigne in his life is fiction."
Glenn Hoddle

"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought."
"If you count your chickens before they've hatched, they won't lay an egg."
Two from Bobby Robson RIP

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Terry Venables

"What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio."
Ex-Spurs boss Gerry Francis

"Samassi Abou don't speak the English too good"
‘Arry Redknapp

and the quickest one-liner of all:

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"

Gordon Strachan: "Velocity". Walks off....


:-)
Ain't nobody got time for that!
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Postby Doctor Seuss » Mon Aug 31, 2009 10:11 pm

andyinasia wrote:Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"

Gordon Strachan: "Velocity". Walks off....


I hate jokes that are not only not funny, but also ignorant.

Velocity can just as easily be slow as it can quick
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Postby Phuket2006 » Tue Sep 01, 2009 8:59 am

Your honor she said she was 18
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Postby obsession » Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:15 am

andyinasia wrote:Topic didn't specify jokes, right?

"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."

"The problem with the youth of today is that they listen to music that’s younger than the women they sleep with."

"Some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." -- Camus

Samuel Beckett: "I can't go on. I'll go on."


Quotes from the world of football -

"I never make predictions and I never will."
Paul Gascoigne

"75% of what happens to Paul Gascoigne in his life is fiction."
Glenn Hoddle

"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought."
"If you count your chickens before they've hatched, they won't lay an egg."
Two from Bobby Robson RIP

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Terry Venables

"What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio."
Ex-Spurs boss Gerry Francis

"Samassi Abou don't speak the English too good"
‘Arry Redknapp

and the quickest one-liner of all:

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"

Gordon Strachan: "Velocity". Walks off....


:-)


The football ones are great. There was a good one on the radio a while back as clip of the week -
"Running a football team can be summed up in one word".................man management
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Postby Fox Mulder » Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:18 am

Words from the greatest commentator ever!

Murray Walker wrote:"He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can't see it"

"With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go"

"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough ?"

"Anything happens in Grand Prix racing and it usually does"

"Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place"

"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is 5th"

"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem"

"He is shedding buckets of adrenalin in that car"

"It's raining and the track is wet"

"And there's just a few more corners for Nigel Mansell to go to win the Canadian Grand Prix...and...he's going rather slow....HE'S STOPPING HE'S STOPPING!"

"and this is the third placed car about to lap the second placed car"

"they say clothes maketh the man... the clothes are Niki Lauda's, but the contents are me..." as Murray prepares to take a drive in a F1 car." [He gets a total distance of... oh, 1 foot before he stalls it.] (Apparently, this was the second attempt to film Murray in an F1 McLaren - the first, earlier that day, had gone very well, but for technical reasons couldn't be used!)

[During a F1 race, describing how the leader can see the driver following him] "... Mansell can see him in his earphone..."

"So Bernie [Ecclestone], in the seventeen years since you bought McLaren, which of your many achievements do you think was the most memorable ?" Bernie Answers, "Well I don't remember buying McLaren." [Bernie Ecclestone used to own the Brabham team].

Murrary: "What's that? There's a BODY on the track!!!" James: "Um, I think that that is a piece of BODY-WORK, from someone's car."

Murray: There's a fiery glow coming from the back of the Ferrari James: No Murray, that's his rear safety light

As an introductory piece for a rallysprint race, Murray was put in the Navigator's seat alongside Tony Pond in a Chevette HSR (270 BHP, rwd, and TWITCHY), added an in-car camera, and wired Murray for sound. The result can be deduced by extrapolating his usual excitement and enthusiasm, and adding a large pinch of raw terror! "And there's a 600 foot drop on my left..AND we're doing 120 mph... AND we're approaching a hairpin...OH MY GOD we're going to die..."
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Postby obsession » Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:22 am

Its not the same since Murray hung up his microphone.
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Postby Phuket2006 » Wed Sep 02, 2009 11:33 am

"You can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest, it is the honest man you should not trust for you never know when he would be dishonest"
-Capt. Jack Sparrow
"In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upwardly mobile—and the rest of us are fucked until we can put our acts together: not necessarily to win, but mainly to keep from losing completely." HST

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Postby Murray » Wed Sep 09, 2009 4:40 pm

My favorite one liner belongs to retired snooker commentator "Whispering" Ted Lowe.

"and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green."
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Postby Heinrich manoeuvre » Wed Sep 09, 2009 7:38 pm

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
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Postby keeping_it_riel » Wed Sep 09, 2009 8:04 pm

''Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.''

''Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.''

''Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.''

''Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.''

''What happens if you get scared half to death twice?''

''A fool and his money are soon partying.''

''Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.''

''99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.''

''When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.''

''When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.''

All from Steven Wright.
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''I can still remember when your city smelled exciting. I still get a whiff of that aroma now and then.''
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Postby speargun » Thu Sep 10, 2009 2:00 am

if it flies ,floats or fucks rent dont buy
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Postby js6426 » Sat Sep 19, 2009 3:34 pm

'Statistically speaking 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape'

'You're about as much use as a nun's tits'

'Why do you always find something in the last place you look?'
'Becuase if you kept looking after you had found it you'd be a dickhead'

'War does not determine who is right, only who is left'

'Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner then you'd better have a good hand'

'Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks in captivity they can train a human to stand at the edge of a pool and throw them fish'

'Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity'
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Postby keeping_it_riel » Sat Sep 19, 2009 3:50 pm

I'm so unlucky that if I fell into a bucket of tits, I'd come out sucking my thumb.
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''I can still remember when your city smelled exciting. I still get a whiff of that aroma now and then.''
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