The one liners thread
- Playboy
- 20,000 Posts; I need professional help !
- Reactions: 288
- Posts: 24827
- Joined: Fri Dec 12, 2003 6:30 pm
- Location: Hotel K: Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha
- Contact:
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
"We, the sons of John Company, have arrived"
- Playboy
- 20,000 Posts; I need professional help !
- Reactions: 288
- Posts: 24827
- Joined: Fri Dec 12, 2003 6:30 pm
- Location: Hotel K: Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha
- Contact:
"A baby seal walks into a club."
"A dyslexic man walks into a bra." (George Carlin)
"A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. "I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore" (Anonymous)
"Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity." (George Carlin)
"Here was the sort of man you only dared to cross if you had a team of Sherpas with you." (Douglas Adams)
"I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't snort, and I don't gamble. I do lie a little bit though." (Tim Maia)
"I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV." (David Recksiek)
"Black Beauty. He was a dark horse." (Tim Vine)
"Bigfoot is blurry, it's not the photographer's fault." (Mitch Hedberg)
"I have nothing to declare except my genius." (Oscar Wilde, upon arriving at US customs 1882[2])
"Race is just a pigment of the imagination" (Glen Highland)
"If all those sweet young things were laid end to end – I wouldn't be a bit surprised." (Dorothy Parker, on girls attending a Yale prom[3])
"So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?" (George Carlin)
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." (Groucho Marx)
"More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" (Kelsey Mondragon)
"Take my wife – please!" (Henny Youngman)
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades" (Demetri Martin)
"My friend has difficulty sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed." (Shmuel Breban)
"A couple of days ago I was in a boat travelling from island to island. Now I'm back home, the closest thing we have to an island is a roundabout" (Violet Bedwell-Clayton)
"If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all." (Rodney Dangerfield)
"Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur." (Milton Jones)
"My mom bought me a memory pillow a couple of years ago... I don't tell secrets in my bedroom anymore." (Bink)
"I have a map of the world... it's actual size." (Steven Wright)
"I live in a two-income household, but who knows how long my mom can keep that up." (Shmuel Breban)
"I quit my job at the helium factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone." (Stewart Francis)
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubblegum." (Roddy Piper as Nada in They Live[4])
"People laughed when I said I'd become a comedian... well, they're not laughing now." (Bob Monkhouse)
"Venison's dear, isn't it?" (Jimmy Carr)
"Get me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy" (Anonymous)
"You've heard the saying that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time a mousetrap snaps, an angel gets set on fire." (Jack Handey)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?" (Unknown)
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I don't know. (Groucho Marx)
"A dyslexic man walks into a bra." (George Carlin)
"A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. "I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore" (Anonymous)
"Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity." (George Carlin)
"Here was the sort of man you only dared to cross if you had a team of Sherpas with you." (Douglas Adams)
"I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't snort, and I don't gamble. I do lie a little bit though." (Tim Maia)
"I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV." (David Recksiek)
"Black Beauty. He was a dark horse." (Tim Vine)
"Bigfoot is blurry, it's not the photographer's fault." (Mitch Hedberg)
"I have nothing to declare except my genius." (Oscar Wilde, upon arriving at US customs 1882[2])
"Race is just a pigment of the imagination" (Glen Highland)
"If all those sweet young things were laid end to end – I wouldn't be a bit surprised." (Dorothy Parker, on girls attending a Yale prom[3])
"So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?" (George Carlin)
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." (Groucho Marx)
"More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" (Kelsey Mondragon)
"Take my wife – please!" (Henny Youngman)
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades" (Demetri Martin)
"My friend has difficulty sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed." (Shmuel Breban)
"A couple of days ago I was in a boat travelling from island to island. Now I'm back home, the closest thing we have to an island is a roundabout" (Violet Bedwell-Clayton)
"If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all." (Rodney Dangerfield)
"Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur." (Milton Jones)
"My mom bought me a memory pillow a couple of years ago... I don't tell secrets in my bedroom anymore." (Bink)
"I have a map of the world... it's actual size." (Steven Wright)
"I live in a two-income household, but who knows how long my mom can keep that up." (Shmuel Breban)
"I quit my job at the helium factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone." (Stewart Francis)
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubblegum." (Roddy Piper as Nada in They Live[4])
"People laughed when I said I'd become a comedian... well, they're not laughing now." (Bob Monkhouse)
"Venison's dear, isn't it?" (Jimmy Carr)
"Get me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy" (Anonymous)
"You've heard the saying that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time a mousetrap snaps, an angel gets set on fire." (Jack Handey)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?" (Unknown)
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I don't know. (Groucho Marx)
"We, the sons of John Company, have arrived"
A joke gets banned from a pub. His friends console him and say he should laugh it off. He appreciates their concern but says it's just not funny.
Sateev wrote:How do you use an aspirin for birth control?
Sateev wrote:Hint: it's NOT 'the girl holds it between her knees'.
I don't even get that oneSateev wrote:You (the guy) put it in your shoe.
It makes you limp!
"I got a million of 'em"
Oh, maybe I do. Limp/limp. Ha.
Give us another one. It should be funny though.
ya, no lame jocks.
The Earth is degenerating these days. Bribery and corruption abound.
Children no longer mind their parents, every man wants to write a book,
and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching.
--Assyrian Stone Tablet, c.2800 BCE
Children no longer mind their parents, every man wants to write a book,
and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching.
--Assyrian Stone Tablet, c.2800 BCE
- Sateev
- I Have Not Been Outside in a Week
- Reactions: 0
- Posts: 950
- Joined: Fri Jul 01, 2011 12:33 pm
- Location: Redshirt Party Central - Bangkok Criminal Court
Took you long enoughcambod wrote:Sateev wrote:How do you use an aspirin for birth control?Sateev wrote:Hint: it's NOT 'the girl holds it between her knees'.I don't even get that oneSateev wrote:You (the guy) put it in your shoe.
It makes you limp!
"I got a million of 'em"
Oh, maybe I do. Limp/limp. Ha.
Give us another one. It should be funny though.
My jokes are just like the funny kind, only different.
"If I tell ya there's cheese on the moon, bring crackers!"
How depressing - I'm guessing that someone had to explain this Joke to Cambod.cambod wrote:Sateev wrote:How do you use an aspirin for birth control?Sateev wrote:Hint: it's NOT 'the girl holds it between her knees'.I don't even get that oneSateev wrote:You (the guy) put it in your shoe.
It makes you limp!
"I got a million of 'em"
Oh, maybe I do. Limp/limp. Ha.
Give us another one. It should be funny though.
I refuse to go out with nothing more than a whimper followed by a small farting sound and a shit stain on my bed sheets..
Just thought I'd share that with you.
Just thought I'd share that with you.
A few times. I think I almost get it. That's a crazy side-effect! Unroll never take Aspirin again! :Google:scoffer wrote:How depressing - I'm guessing that someone had to explain this Joke to Cambod.cambod wrote:Sateev wrote:How do you use an aspirin for birth control?Sateev wrote:Hint: it's NOT 'the girl holds it between her knees'.I don't even get that oneSateev wrote:You (the guy) put it in your shoe.
It makes you limp!
"I got a million of 'em"
Oh, maybe I do. Limp/limp. Ha.
Give us another one. It should be funny though.
- vladimir
- Feminist Watch List
- Reactions: 4
- Posts: 34235
- Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2004 7:43 am
- Location: mod edit
dog says to bitch on heat: Hey baby, I'm feeling adventurous. Wanna do it human-style tonight?
Man wakes up wife:
Here's an aspirin.
What? I don't have a headache!
Really...?
Man wakes up wife:
Here's an aspirin.
What? I don't have a headache!
Really...?
ירי ילדים והפצצת אזרחים דורש אומץ, כמו גם הטרדה מינית של עובדי ההוראה.
- Falcon Randwick
- Damn, I just saw my Internet Bill !
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- Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2005 2:55 pm
There was a Muslim at work boasting that he had the whole Koran on DVD. I thought it would be interesting to check it out, so I asked him to burn a copy. That's when it all kicked off......!!
Like Potato Stars on facebook. We're likable...
https://www.facebook.com/potstars1
...and make your ears hate you by listening to us here
https://soundcloud.com/falcon-randwick
https://www.facebook.com/potstars1
...and make your ears hate you by listening to us here
https://soundcloud.com/falcon-randwick
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