The one liners thread
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
It doesn't cost £100 to have a lentil on your face.
It doesn't cost £100 to have a lentil on your face.
"You can't dust for vomit"
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- Requiescat In Pace
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Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It’s called Not Poodle.
Twitter: Not my circus, not my monkeys - I sold #K440
Walked past a guy playing "Dancing Queen" on the didgereedoo the other day.
Thought, that's abbariginal.
Thought, that's abbariginal.
"You can't dust for vomit"
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- 20,000 Posts; I need professional help !
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Not quite one line, but funny just the same.
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Dog Chow for Socks the wonder dog and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
I’m retired now, with some spare time on my hands. So, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Dog Food Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially the perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Dog Chow nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try the diet again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no. I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
The manager won’t let me shop there anymore….
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Dog Chow for Socks the wonder dog and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
I’m retired now, with some spare time on my hands. So, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Dog Food Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially the perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Dog Chow nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try the diet again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no. I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
The manager won’t let me shop there anymore….
I refuse to go out with nothing more than a whimper followed by a small farting sound and a shit stain on my bed sheets..
Just thought I'd share that with you.
Just thought I'd share that with you.
- vladimir
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Scientists have discovered a way of predicting, to the second, when a woman's period will start.
It's about bleeding time!
It's about bleeding time!
ירי ילדים והפצצת אזרחים דורש אומץ, כמו גם הטרדה מינית של עובדי ההוראה.
Google / youube Mitch Hedburg
The absolute master of one liners etc.
"I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to too "
RIP Legend
The absolute master of one liners etc.
"I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to too "
RIP Legend
Rated R for Ricecakes
- RainMan
- K440 Defender of the Faith
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Two gays at the zoo walk past the gorilla cage, the gorilla reaches through the bars and grabs one and starts bashing and raping the living crap out of this guy. Two days later in hospital his partner makes a visit.
'Oh you poor thing, how do you feel?" he asks
"How the fck do you think I feel...he hasn't rung me or written."
'Oh you poor thing, how do you feel?" he asks
"How the fck do you think I feel...he hasn't rung me or written."
Never mind.
- vladimir
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Brill!RainMan wrote:Two gays at the zoo walk past the gorilla cage, the gorilla reaches through the bars and grabs one and starts bashing and raping the living crap out of this guy. Two days later in hospital his partner makes a visit.
'Oh you poor thing, how do you feel?" he asks
"How the fck do you think I feel...he hasn't rung me or written."
ירי ילדים והפצצת אזרחים דורש אומץ, כמו גם הטרדה מינית של עובדי ההוראה.
What's the opposite of cheap?
Stupid.
Stupid.
K440 : Lucky cheese for the gentry; poultry and death for the peasants.
"Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad."
"Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad."
Woman goes into a bar with a dog, sits down. Bartender says,"We don't serve pigs in here." Woman says, "That's not a pig, it's a dog." Bartender says, "I was
talking to the dog."
talking to the dog."
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