The one liners thread
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Should a Transformer take out car insurance, or life insurance?
I came, I argued, I'm out
For football fans ...
Apparently Harry [Redknapp] is getting £3million in compensation after being sacked by Spurs. Which means that after tax he'll take home £3million
Apparently Harry [Redknapp] is getting £3million in compensation after being sacked by Spurs. Which means that after tax he'll take home £3million
Meum est propositum in taberna mori,
ut sint Guinness proxima morientis ori.
tunc cantabunt letius angelorum chori:
"Sit Deus propitius huic potatori."
ut sint Guinness proxima morientis ori.
tunc cantabunt letius angelorum chori:
"Sit Deus propitius huic potatori."
Sitting at a table in the pub I said, 'I love you.' She said that's the beer talking. I said no it isn't. It's me talking to the beer. Go get me another one.
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An expat in Bangkok had just taken on a bar girl as his new misses.Frustrated at not being able to find a clean shirt to wear one morning he asks her, "Why don't I have any clean shirts, Nok?"
"Baby. I'm a fucking machine, not a washing machine." was her reply.
"Baby. I'm a fucking machine, not a washing machine." was her reply.
" A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."
Mark Twain
Mark Twain
Some of Sid Waddell's
"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos.
"William Tell could take out an apple your head, Taylor could take out a processed pea."
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer....Bristow's only 27."
"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame".
"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another leg."
"Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete!”
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"
"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos.
"William Tell could take out an apple your head, Taylor could take out a processed pea."
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer....Bristow's only 27."
"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame".
"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another leg."
"Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete!”
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"
- Sateev
- I Have Not Been Outside in a Week
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"A man walks into a bar...Oh, you've heard it?"
"Here's Dr. Brown, a prince of a guy. Gave a guy six months to live, when he couldn't pay the bill, gave him another six months.." - Henny
"Here's Dr. Brown, a prince of a guy. Gave a guy six months to live, when he couldn't pay the bill, gave him another six months.." - Henny
"If I tell ya there's cheese on the moon, bring crackers!"
Guy calls in sick to work for the third time in a week. Boss asks, ‘Good god man, how sick are you?’ Guy says, ‘I’m in bed. With my sister.’
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"let's say we know for sure that Rock IS the devil's music...well at least he fuckin jams!"
Bill Hicks
Bill Hicks
when the axe entered the forest, the trees said, "look, the handle is one of us"
Legend. It's very sad that he died.104 wrote:Some of Sid Waddell's
"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos.
"William Tell could take out an apple your head, Taylor could take out a processed pea."
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer....Bristow's only 27."
"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame".
"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another leg."
"Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete!”
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"
Here's some more:
Painter's not bothering with an undercoat… he's gone straight to gloss.
Circus Tavern packed — even a garter snake smothered in Vaseline couldn't slide in here.
Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is a firm press on a soda siphon.
It's just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair.
We gotta ding-dong verily on Sky.
Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis.
Bristow looks as peevish as a peckish pterodactyl.
Playing Taylor is like eating candy floss in a wind tunnel.
Top of the tree darts - with leaves on.
Anderson came on like the Laughing Cavalier - now he looks as narked as Lee Van Cleef on a bad night.
The crème de la menthe of darts doing their thing in Blackpool
Shane is as happy as hound dog who’s won a year’s supply of Bonio.
Cliff is off and looking for something yellow in a tall glass - and I don’t mean daffodils.
"He's on tungsten fire," Sid once said as Phil Taylor hit an average of 116. "It's like watching Titian with a paint roller."
If you had to throw a knife at the wife in the Circus, this is the lad you’d want chucking.
He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed.
He's as twitchy as a frog in a blender.
He's going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind!
"We couldn’t have more excitement if Elvis walked in and asked for a chip sandwich"
He's twitching more than a one legged ferret.
That Lad could throw 180 standing one legged in a hammock.
This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia.
This is the clash that makes King Kong versus Godzilla look like a chimpanzees' tea party!
He's got three legs under his belt and he's running away with the match!
I can only sum that up in one word - world-class darts.
They're showing Shakespeare's Othello over on BBC1 but if you want real drama tonight, get down here to Jollies, Stoke-on-Trent.
Bristow reasons; Bristow quickens; aaaaah Bristow!
Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a waterbuffalo with a pea-shooter.
The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in with a portion of chips, you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them.
Dennis Ovens has goosed the cook.
The hands of Anderson weave their own fairytale - things look Grimm for the other bloke.
Taylor is snapping at Gregory’s heels like an alligator with toothache.
Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy.
There's only one word for that - magic darts!
I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap, Crackle and Pop outta Bristow.
Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles.
Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax.
If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the cookies and come through to the living room and watch these two amazing athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other.
Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in Essex.
If we’d had Taylor at Hastings, the Normans would have turned round and gone home.
Andy Fordham looks like a hippo in a Power shower.
Meeting Taylor in this mood is like finding an alligator in your lily pond.
Wayne dancing up there like Frank Lampard swivelling past Spaniards.
It’s a tungsten super nova here on Sky.
One commentator: "He gets parity." Sid, shamelessly unable to resist the temptation: "His opponent is now sick as a parroty."
As Schaden said to Freude in a bier keller – there’s a difference between respect and fear.
Taylor as sick as a chip in molten fat.
He’s finding that lipstick as sweet as Valentino on the rampage.
Has he overdone the hair gel or is that pure tension?
He’s singing with the tungsten tonight.
Mason started like a drain, now he’s flowing like the North Hertfordshre Navigation.
Four legs on the trot – this is Strictly Come Darting.
She has the eyes of a Siberian sea eagle.
Anastasia has torn down a Tungsten Iron Curtain.
He has the air of a master who'd rather give you six of the best than detention.
Van Gerwen - balanced like a green stork with a gammy leg.
I'm calling the Pole Chuck, as in Coronation Street.
Intense? He's more intense than a Bedouin tribe.
He's the Captain Bligh of cruise control.
When you fight against Ivanhoe you bring you sharpest sword.
I'm not Copernicus, but I reckon the planets will be in Taylor's favour.
Taylor's maths could improve Fermats last theorem.
He's playing out of his pie crust.
They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll have to play outta their essence!
Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength.
There's no one quicker than these two tungsten tossers.
John Lowe is striding out like Alexander the Great conquering the Persians.
He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory.
Jocky Wilson, all the psychology of a claymore.
As Freud said to Jung in Vienna, you can psych up too much for a darts match.
Commentating on Eric Bristow: "The congregation is restless and the High Priest is at the oche"
When Lowe gets back to Clay Cross there'll be a reception like Ayatollah Khomeini had hit town.
Wade is like a man trying to eat candy floss in a Hadron Collider.
He's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy. – Assessment of Keith Deller's chances of winning the 1983 Embassy World Darts final against Bristow. Deller won.
He's hitting that lipstick like an outsourced Avon lady.
Taylor's opponents appear to be merely cutting with spoons in his wake.
Yesterday...all my doubles seemed so far away...
Taylor could land a Boeing 747 on a kayak.
This Aussie has more hair than Rapunzel...and is letting it down.
This is Sergeant Taylor's Only Darts Club Band...
I've just left Bon Jovi's dressing room and I'm living on a tungsten prayer.
Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!
The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu.
His physiognomy is that of a weeping Madonna.
He's as cool as a prized marrow!
Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint.
He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave.
The pendulum swinging back and forth like a metronome.
Trying to read Reyes's mind is like trying to read the mind of Jabba the Hutt.
These guys look calm but inside they are as nervous as a vampire who knows there's a sale at the wooden stake shop in the morning.
That was like watching Popeye when he found his spinach!
He looks as happy as a scorpion who's just had a pedicure!
Eyes like a pterodactyl... with contact lenses.
Cliff Lazarenko's jumping up and down like a gorilla saying give me back my banana.
On Bobby George - "He's like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming down a mountain."
He's moving with the purpose of a Panzer Division.
He may practice 12 hours a day, but he's not shy of the burger van.
He's like Jack The Ripper on a Friday night.
He's got one foot in the crematorium, Dennis, and that other one is very near thin ice.
Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn't have done any better than this.
It's like Dracula getting out of his grave and asking for a few chips with his steak.
Here's Baxter doing a cock-a-leaky soup job on Ovens!
He's planting those arrows with the accuracy of a couple of inter-continental ballistic missiles.
Dick Turpin would've been proud of that one.
That's quality with a capital K.
It was as easy as shelling unshelled peas.
One hundred and eighty, divided by three, is one dart at a time.
His face is sagging with tension.
The fans now, with their eyes pierced on the dart board.
You could hear a blob of vinegar drop on a chip in this hall.
Well as giraffes say, you get no leaves unless you stick your neck out.
His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch.
Remember what happened to Little Red Riding Hood when she got home with the three little pigs - and the huffing and puffing started; the house fell down.
There was less noise when Pompeii was swamped in lava.
He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends. Absolute pandemonium here. Barmaids frozen like Greek statues. No beer's being served.
As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here.
It's over a hundred degrees up there. They're both sweating like a pair of swamp-donkeys in a sauna.
It's the best place to be, whether you're darts player or ... Snow White.
It's about as subtle as turnip-sack thumping on a fence. Isn't it gripping!
It's not a bucket and spade you want, it's an ECG if you're supporting darts at Blackpool. We have an absolute belter match going on 'ere.
I've seen some of his fans at close quarters, Jon; I would not pinch their chips.
He is as slick as minestrone soup.
Bristow’s effect on the audience like Rasputin used to have on the birds a long time ago.
Hitting that bull - as good a feeling as Jason and the lads finding the fleece.
You have got to have a mind like a pelican chip to maintain this mathematical consistency.
By the time of the final on Sunday he should be fit to burst!
Taylor is so hot he could hit the bullseye standing one-legged in a hammock.
He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league.
Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!
"They'll be singing, swinging and Highland Flinging in Kirkcaldy tonight." When Jockey Wilson beat Lobo to become W Champ in 1982
Bobby is done up like an electric-purple Liquorice Allsort.
Pool commentary in 1995: "If I could shoot pool like that I wouldn’t be sitting here mauling the English language."
And my personal favourite:
Even the crumpet knows that's not good enough.
- Playboy
- 20,000 Posts; I need professional help !
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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
"We, the sons of John Company, have arrived"
- Playboy
- 20,000 Posts; I need professional help !
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- Joined: Fri Dec 12, 2003 6:30 pm
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Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
"We, the sons of John Company, have arrived"
- Playboy
- 20,000 Posts; I need professional help !
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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
"We, the sons of John Company, have arrived"
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