The one liners thread
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The one liners thread
I called the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling.
Twitter: Not my circus, not my monkeys - I sold #K440
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Topic didn't specify jokes, right?
"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."
"The problem with the youth of today is that they listen to music that’s younger than the women they sleep with."
"Some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." -- Camus
Samuel Beckett: "I can't go on. I'll go on."
Quotes from the world of football -
"I never make predictions and I never will."
Paul Gascoigne
"75% of what happens to Paul Gascoigne in his life is fiction."
Glenn Hoddle
"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought."
"If you count your chickens before they've hatched, they won't lay an egg."
Two from Bobby Robson RIP
"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Terry Venables
"What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio."
Ex-Spurs boss Gerry Francis
"Samassi Abou don't speak the English too good"
‘Arry Redknapp
and the quickest one-liner of all:
Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Gordon Strachan: "Velocity". Walks off....
"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."
"The problem with the youth of today is that they listen to music that’s younger than the women they sleep with."
"Some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." -- Camus
Samuel Beckett: "I can't go on. I'll go on."
Quotes from the world of football -
"I never make predictions and I never will."
Paul Gascoigne
"75% of what happens to Paul Gascoigne in his life is fiction."
Glenn Hoddle
"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought."
"If you count your chickens before they've hatched, they won't lay an egg."
Two from Bobby Robson RIP
"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Terry Venables
"What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio."
Ex-Spurs boss Gerry Francis
"Samassi Abou don't speak the English too good"
‘Arry Redknapp
and the quickest one-liner of all:
Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Gordon Strachan: "Velocity". Walks off....
I came, I argued, I'm out
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- Phuket2006
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The football ones are great. There was a good one on the radio a while back as clip of the week -andyinasia wrote:Topic didn't specify jokes, right?
"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."
"The problem with the youth of today is that they listen to music that’s younger than the women they sleep with."
"Some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." -- Camus
Samuel Beckett: "I can't go on. I'll go on."
Quotes from the world of football -
"I never make predictions and I never will."
Paul Gascoigne
"75% of what happens to Paul Gascoigne in his life is fiction."
Glenn Hoddle
"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought."
"If you count your chickens before they've hatched, they won't lay an egg."
Two from Bobby Robson RIP
"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Terry Venables
"What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio."
Ex-Spurs boss Gerry Francis
"Samassi Abou don't speak the English too good"
‘Arry Redknapp
and the quickest one-liner of all:
Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Gordon Strachan: "Velocity". Walks off....
"Running a football team can be summed up in one word".................man management
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Words from the greatest commentator ever!
Murray Walker wrote:"He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can't see it"
"With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go"
"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough ?"
"Anything happens in Grand Prix racing and it usually does"
"Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place"
"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is 5th"
"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem"
"He is shedding buckets of adrenalin in that car"
"It's raining and the track is wet"
"And there's just a few more corners for Nigel Mansell to go to win the Canadian Grand Prix...and...he's going rather slow....HE'S STOPPING HE'S STOPPING!"
"and this is the third placed car about to lap the second placed car"
"they say clothes maketh the man... the clothes are Niki Lauda's, but the contents are me..." as Murray prepares to take a drive in a F1 car." [He gets a total distance of... oh, 1 foot before he stalls it.] (Apparently, this was the second attempt to film Murray in an F1 McLaren - the first, earlier that day, had gone very well, but for technical reasons couldn't be used!)
[During a F1 race, describing how the leader can see the driver following him] "... Mansell can see him in his earphone..."
"So Bernie [Ecclestone], in the seventeen years since you bought McLaren, which of your many achievements do you think was the most memorable ?" Bernie Answers, "Well I don't remember buying McLaren." [Bernie Ecclestone used to own the Brabham team].
Murrary: "What's that? There's a BODY on the track!!!" James: "Um, I think that that is a piece of BODY-WORK, from someone's car."
Murray: There's a fiery glow coming from the back of the Ferrari James: No Murray, that's his rear safety light
As an introductory piece for a rallysprint race, Murray was put in the Navigator's seat alongside Tony Pond in a Chevette HSR (270 BHP, rwd, and TWITCHY), added an in-car camera, and wired Murray for sound. The result can be deduced by extrapolating his usual excitement and enthusiasm, and adding a large pinch of raw terror! "And there's a 600 foot drop on my left..AND we're doing 120 mph... AND we're approaching a hairpin...OH MY GOD we're going to die..."
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"You can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest, it is the honest man you should not trust for you never know when he would be dishonest"
-Capt. Jack Sparrow
-Capt. Jack Sparrow
"We are turning into a nation of whimpering slaves to Fear—fear of war, fear of poverty, fear of random terrorism, or suddenly getting locked up in a military detention camp on vague charges of being a Terrorist sympathizer." HST
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''Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.''
''Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.''
''Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.''
''Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.''
''What happens if you get scared half to death twice?''
''A fool and his money are soon partying.''
''Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.''
''99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.''
''When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.''
''When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.''
All from Steven Wright.
''Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.''
''Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.''
''Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.''
''What happens if you get scared half to death twice?''
''A fool and his money are soon partying.''
''Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.''
''99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.''
''When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.''
''When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.''
All from Steven Wright.
Twitter: Not my circus, not my monkeys - I sold #K440
'Statistically speaking 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape'
'You're about as much use as a nun's tits'
'Why do you always find something in the last place you look?'
'Becuase if you kept looking after you had found it you'd be a dickhead'
'War does not determine who is right, only who is left'
'Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner then you'd better have a good hand'
'Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks in captivity they can train a human to stand at the edge of a pool and throw them fish'
'Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity'
'You're about as much use as a nun's tits'
'Why do you always find something in the last place you look?'
'Becuase if you kept looking after you had found it you'd be a dickhead'
'War does not determine who is right, only who is left'
'Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner then you'd better have a good hand'
'Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks in captivity they can train a human to stand at the edge of a pool and throw them fish'
'Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity'
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