The one liners thread
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
- vladimir
- Feminist Watch List
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knock knock: Who is it?
scary voice: I am the ...VIPER!
terrified: Aaah, why have you come?
German accent: I've come to vipe your vindows.
scary voice: I am the ...VIPER!
terrified: Aaah, why have you come?
German accent: I've come to vipe your vindows.
ירי ילדים והפצצת אזרחים דורש אומץ, כמו גם הטרדה מינית של עובדי ההוראה.
Haha, missed this thread earlier!Spudda12 wrote:My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
- Felgerkarb
- Sir Felgerkarb, Kt Pb
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- Contact:
No, but I have a fucking hammer....*splat*Falcon Randwick wrote:A duck goes into Felgerkarb's bar...
Duck: Got any bread?
Felgerkarb: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Felgerkarb: No, and if you ask me if I've got any bread again I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Felgerkarb: Erm... no.
Duck: Got any bread?
====================
Why are the gods such vicious cunts?
Where is the god of tits and wine?
Why are the gods such vicious cunts?
Where is the god of tits and wine?
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker…….. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker…….. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who'd be very mad if she heard me say that."
- Captain Bonez
- Fluffy Bunny
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the_purple_turtle wrote:My mate Paddy just called to say that he ransacked an Argos store last night during the riots...he has 500 Argos catalogues if anybody wants one..
the_purple_turtle wrote:The Met will be using water cannons in London tonight, with the addition of a little Persil to stop the colours running!
me and my buddy watched 5 movies last night back to back, im glad i was the one facing the TV
- connecticuter
- I need professional help
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“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”
Woody Allen
“I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.”
Woody Allen
“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”
Woody Allen
“I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”
Woody Allen
“Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.”
Woody Allen
Woody Allen
“I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.”
Woody Allen
“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”
Woody Allen
“I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”
Woody Allen
“Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.”
Woody Allen
That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart.
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- I live above an internet cafe
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"and then God created the orgasm,
so that women can moan even when they are happy."
so that women can moan even when they are happy."
- connecticuter
- I need professional help
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Heres a treasure trove
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
by AMBROSE BIERCE
http://xroads.virginia.edu/~Hyper/Bierc ... e.html#top
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
by AMBROSE BIERCE
http://xroads.virginia.edu/~Hyper/Bierc ... e.html#top
That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart.
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- Bark plop plop bark woof woof
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Norman Gunston interviewing Keith Richards:
Gunston - 'you've had some trouble with drugs?'
Richards - 'not with drugs, with policemen!'
Gunston - 'you've had some trouble with drugs?'
Richards - 'not with drugs, with policemen!'
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- Requiescat In Pace
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A man telephones his manager at work in the morning. ‘Sorry, Boss, but I can’t come in to work today, I’m really sick.’
''What!'' yells the boss, ''That’s the fourth time this month! Just how sick are you?''
''I’m in bed with my sister.''
''What!'' yells the boss, ''That’s the fourth time this month! Just how sick are you?''
''I’m in bed with my sister.''
Twitter: Not my circus, not my monkeys - I sold #K440
Excellent!connecticuter wrote:Heres a treasure trove
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
by AMBROSE BIERCE
http://xroads.virginia.edu/~Hyper/Bierc ... e.html#top
Thanks for that.
ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.
EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
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