Fixed Penalty Fines:The answer for Khmer Law Enforcement ?

Firstly let me deal with the phrase “Khmer Law Enforcement? I am well aware of the fact that this is an oxymoron, so let us pass over that one without flaming, heckling, scoffing or general name calling.
The Khmer police should be getting all excited by this, my latest scheme. The plan to extend the fixed penalty fine system to extend to more than just a couple of traffic offences – riding while white being the most commonly enforced one.

Obviously the scheme will include the use of serial numbered receipt books and an ‘education campaign’ to inform the general public as to how much the fixed penalty actually is ‘just in case any unscrupulous members of the constabulary attempt to capitalise on this new scheme for personal gain.’

The scheme will allow penalty fines to be issued to people committing minor and anti-social offences, such as; drunkenness, criminal damage, disorderly conduct, kicking beggars et cetera. As well as being extended to cover a more explicit, and defined, set of traffic offences.

Obviously, this allows them to cut down dramatically on paperwork and saves valuable man-hours which can then be spent at NGO sexual awareness and racial re-education workshops; where they will be taught that NGO women with 4×4 Toyota Land Cruisers can justifiably stab male ex-pats for potential thought crimes against women, or how street muggings are merely a plea for help by an oppressed and impoverished populous – provided that the muggee is not an NGO women with 4×4 Toyota Land Cruiser.

However, it strikes me that there is an even wider range of offences that, in any decent society, ought to attract punishment, even if it is only a US$5 fixed penalty ticket.

Let us start with the most obvious, and probably the most annoying – mobile phone abuse.

It should be blatantly obvious that only complete idiots should need to use novelty ring-tones. Why is it necessary to have a Scottish dirge which sounds like Rolf Harris playing on a Stylophone? What is wrong with the bloody thing just ringing? Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

As for other offences, how about these – for starters?

1) People who sit in public places dementedly punching out text messages. Why not just telephone whoever it is you want to contact? That is what mobile phones are for. Oh, nd peple hu us txt langwage to snd mssags to ech uvr. Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

2) Women who drive a 4×4 Toyota Land Cruiser which has never seen a patch of mud. All NGO employees who drive a 4×4 Toyota Land Cruiser around congested city centre roads. Khmer women who go shopping in a 4×4 Toyota Land Cruiser belonging to the IO Project that their husband is consulting on. NGO employees who drive a 4×4 Toyota Land Cruiser to Lucky’s and then park across two spaces because they can not fit the damn thing into one space. Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

3) People who have any sort of ‘drive carefully’ sticker on their cars. Listen, just because I see that little yellow sign in your rear window, it does not mean that I am not going to crash into you. Do you think I crash my car on purpose? Do you think that while spinning out of control on Monivong Boulevard I will be able to choose who I am going to hit. Get real, and Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

4) Any Khmer car owner who has upgraded their stereo system so that those asleep in bed three floors up can hear ‘Karaoke?s Greatest Hits (volume 47)’ as they pass by. Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

5) Anyone (usually Khmers) who have accumulated more than three [fake] gold and gem encrusted tissue box holders in their cars Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

6) Christian drivers with advertising. I have had two ‘road rage’ incidents in the past two years with barangs. Both of them involved people with those little metal fishes on the back of their cars. What is all that about then? Why bother advertising your smug religious beliefs if you are going to start frothing and foaming at the mouth while waving a tyre iron every time someone cuts you up? Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

7) Backpackers who buy and wear a krama within 24 hours of arriving here. I just do not like you. Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

8) People who dither at the checkouts in Lucky Supermarket. Listen, you select your purchases, go to the checkout and hand over the cash. It is not a difficult concept to grasp. Just do it and then move on out of the way; why the surprised look when the cashier asks you for $47.25? Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

9) People [barang] over 18 who wear baseball caps. Why? Also, people aged under 18 who wear baseball caps the wrong way round. Furthermore, anyone habitually wearing three-quarter length shorts or sandals with socks. Look, we’re not all American Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

10) Fat women whose thongs protrude above the waistband of their leggings. Men who wear ties, or tee-shirts with zips. At least make half an effort or the fashion police will swoop you up and Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

11) People who end every sentence with a question? Like this? What? Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

12) Barang who try and talk Khmer to each other when there are no Khmer nationals within earshot. Guilty as charged and fined US$5, the lot of them.

13) Tourists whose ‘experience’ of Cambodia is 2 nights in Phnom Penh – FCC and Cafe Java – a flight up to Siem Reap, followed by a swift tour around Angkor Wat, before heading off to the next South East Asian Country on their ‘Check~List.’ Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

14) Oh yeah, anyone whom uses the word ‘experience’ to describe a holiday, tour or visit anywhere, ever. Guilty as charged and fined US$5.

15) ….and all these people are just for starters, I will be gleefully adding other; miscreants, wrongdoers and people who manage to annoy me in due course.

Playboy

The views in this column are entirely those of Lord Playboy (of Phnom Penh, Sonteipheap and that muddy patch of ground next to the school) they are in no way are representative of Khmer440, its editors or staff, of any Ministry of the Royal Government of Cambodia who employs Lord Playboy, any relatives of people who still buy UK Lottery tickets even though they live in Cambodia or the mad woman who sleeps in the car park and claims she has bats living in her hair. Damn, things will be different when I am running the Country.