Total Spending – How to Blow Your Savings in Cambodia

Having just arrived back in England after a crazy two and a half months in Cambodia, I have had time to reflect on how I managed to splurge so much money in so little time. I have come to the conclusion that I am what can only be termed a “Total Spender”.

Let’s define our key concepts:

Total:
– involving all aspects, elements, participants, resources, etc.
– complete in extent or degree; absolute; unqualified; utter
– Slang. to wreck or demolish completely

Spending:
– to use up, consume, or exhaust

The theory is inspired by the Dutch-pioneered concept of total football from the 1970s. Succinctly, the theory involved a unique approach to football exploiting technical skills and fluidity of movement. Derigidity was they key – a commitment to the purity and essence of football was what demarcated the average footballer from the total footballer. Indeed, a commitment to the purity and essence of spending is what demarcates the average spender from the Total Spender.

In order to become a Total Spender one must subscribe to a number of fundamental principles, iron laws, etc etc. My research seems to suggest that adhering to the following will safely guarantee depletion of your funds way earlier than you anticipated. Some of the more perceptive among you may notice that the following draws on my earlier academic work, viz “Darren”s Theory of Maximisation?, which, as you are aware, drew critical acclaim.

1. Become a *Total Drinker*. – Drinking copious amounts of alcohol is the sine qua non of successful money mismanagement. My research suggests – time and time again – that only by what is colloquially referred to as “blowing your money up the wall” will your funds be guaranteed to expire prematurely. However, it must be noted that spirits should be the choice of the Total Drinker, as beer is too cheap. In addition, beer will make you spend too much time in the toilet, thereby wasting valuable spending time.

2. Become a *Total Substance User*. – One problem of drinking is that you will invariably become unconscious. However, the Total Drinker will combine drinking with substance abuse, and thereby allow himself/herself to not sleep. Indeed, my research suggests that spending an additional $30-45 dollars per day on illegal substances will allow non-sleep for three to four nights. Not only does this have the added bonus of allowing you to spend more money, it also allows you to drink day and night continuously. I would argue that with this extra variable, I was able to successfully hammer my funds by an extra 65%. Nocturnality, then, is an important state for the Total Substance User to achieve if they genuinely want to succeed in their undertaking.

3. Obtain a “”Wing Man”” – Adhering to points one and two will often lead to thoughts such as “I need to sort my life out”, “I need a couple of nights off”, “I need some sleep”, “I”m ruined”, etc etc. A Wing Man will convince you otherwise, and encourage you to keep going, that “”You’re having a moment”, “You’re being wet”, “Just have another one and you”ll be fine” etc etc. Ideally, Wingmen should be as committed to Total Drinking as you, so you”ll have a strong role model to identify with.

4. Lady Drinks. – When one purchases a lady drink, one pays for the drink and an extra dollar is added for the lady. If one were to buy two lady drinks for one lady in one establishment, and another two lady drinks for another lady in another establishment on the same night, every day, you can safely assume you”re gonna be back in England before you can say “Oops, I”m broke.” You also have the added satisfaction that (a), you always get served first upon walking in said establishment and (b), you have tripled said girl’s salary for the month. Even the Total Drinker suffers a social conscience. However, my research suggests that this passes fairly soon.

5. Overstay your visa. – Although the advantages to be had are small, there are still gains to be had by overstaying. Every little helps.

6. Renewing your visa – If you need to leave the country then fly. Indeed, flying everywhere has the added bonus of taxes and airport taxes. My research suggests that had I been a typical tight-wad backpacker and got a minibus everywhere, I now would most probably been (a) wealthier and (b), wearing fake dreadlocks bought from the Khao San Road. Thanks Mike for the insight. Another bonus is that airports have bars – buses do not.

7. Insurance – Don’t bother. Now, that might seem cost-effective on the surface, but having none will actually be better in the long run. All you need to do is follow steps one and two, ride a motorbike and crash. After they have airlifted you to Bangkok you will be to the tune of $20k worse off. Brilliant.

As you can see, the above is still a work in progress but as I discover more ways of spending cash, I will change the theory as necessary.

Ipsofacto