In Cambodia, a Lonely Man Finds a Bride
March 21, 2012
An American guy and his British wife are playing slot machines at a casino in Phnom Penh on a Saturday night. A maintenance worker from Rhode Island named Don sits down at the machine next to them, asks for help in figuring out how to play, and starts losing money.
Twenty minutes later, having shared the details of his challenged life, Don has invited the couple to his wedding. He’s marrying a Cambodian woman he met through co-workers in the US.
It’s not a joke. This happened. And, four days later, we went to the wedding.
The details of Don’s life are a bit foggy, mostly because I was focused on supplementing my meager volunteer stipend with an offering from the Gods at NagaWorld and thus wasn’t paying rapt attention to his rambling story. But here it is in a nutshell:
Dumped (twice) by US women, a despondent Don was chatting with some of his co-workers on the second shift of the maintenance staff at an undisclosed Rhode Island business who happened to be Cambodian women. “You should talk to our friend,” they urged him, though I’m not clear whether she was visiting and they met in person or if they met online for the first time.
Regardless, Don’s second-shift schedule proved perfect for the 12-hour time difference between Pawtucket and Phnom Penh, so Skype calls became a daily ritual between the two.
“I’d get off work and go home and we’d talk all night,” he told me in between earnest swats at the Golden Bull machine, losing 50 cents a pop. “I’d go to sleep at 6, get up and go to work later on and then do it all over again.”
At some point things became serious enough for him to pop the question, and her eager acceptance sent him shopping for a flight to Phnom Penh to tie the knot. He’s here on his own, as his family lacks the means to join him on the happy day.
“I’m just so happy that my mom will see me get married before she dies,” he said, more than a little choked up.
Don brought $4,500 to cover the cost of his first-ever trip to Southeast Asia (or anywhere, for that matter) and, as it turns out, to help pay for the wedding. (Weddings here are a big deal, with multiple changes of clothes for the bride and groom, live bands and lavish feasts with beer and scotch in abundance. For many families, it is the expense of a lifetime, and everyone invited to the wedding is expected to pitch in.)
Anyway, Don cashed out when he was up $20 – “her family don’t know I’m here. They don’t approve of gambling” and got ready to head for the door. Before he left he shook our hands and invited us to the bash.
“It’s at the Lucky Star on Wednesday,” he said. “I’d be honored to have you come.”
We initially passed it off as a nice offer we’d politely decline, but then I paused.
I thought about Don, an untravelled American in a foreign country, surrounded by people he doesn’t know speaking a language he doesn’t understand. I thought about the look in his eyes when he described his beautiful bride. I thought about his heartfelt words about his mother.
So I suggested to Gabi that we crash the bash and bring cash. Which we did, dragging our friend Clare along for the experience.
Suffice to say it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, yet typical of Cambodia with a health dose of confusion, chaos and embracing welcomes all around.
Passing by the maze of wedding halls, past countless nuptials on a Wednesday night- it’s the height of wedding season here and celebrations are in full swing – I saw Don’s bald pate and white face front and center on a poster-sized photo of the happy couple outside of Hall G. “Som chup!” (please stop) I shouted to our tuk tuk pal Tony, and we were inside in an instant, surrounded by gorgeous women in silk and rhinestone gowns and men in casual slacks and shirts.
A woman in red descended upon us and ushered us to a table with a half dozen Cambodians already seated, which was good news for them. Only full tables get served, and so we were off to the races. Beer was served with ice, and then the food marathon began.
Twenty minutes later Don showed up in the room with his bride, who was every bit as gorgeous as he had described, dressed to the nines and heavily made up for the occasion. They had apparently changed clothes for umpteenth time (as one does at Cambodian weddings) and were primed for the public part of the ceremony. I rose and caught his attention and he headed our way, beaming and tugging his wife behind him.
We spoke for a bit and offered congratulations, then shook hands.
“I am so glad you came,” he said. “Really. It means a lot.” We spoke, extended our good wishes and congratulations, and off they went, into the sea of silk-clad beauties and well-wishing Cambodians who had gathered to help them start their life together.
And us? The woman in red took a handful of my silk shirt and dragged me to the front of the room to stand with the brides’ family and pose for photos, awaiting the couple’s arrival down the red carpet in front of us.
“Oh my God,” I told Gabi. “I think they think we’re Don’s parents.”
Why else would we be standing at the front of the room, facing the entire reception? There was one other foreigner in the room, but we otherwise stood out like rice among raisins. The master of ceremonies grabbed me by the shoulders and had me swap places with Gabi (so the two moms were standing next to one another?) and then began the procession. We followed the lead of our hosts, tossing flower petals over the couple (waste rice? I think not) and gently waving our hands as the couple approached the cake and proceeded through the candle-lighting ceremony and then to cut the cake and start the dancing.
We ate a little, drank a beer, danced a song or two (each song lasts 30 or so years, it seems) and then made for the door, casting a glance over our shoulders at the smiling face of a man from Rhode Island whose life just became much richer, much more fulfilled, much more whole. We dropped some money in the collection box for the couple and climbed into Tony’s tuk tuk to make our way home when we were stopped by a smiling, slight young man who we believe was the bride’s brother.
Pumping our hands and thanking us profusely for coming, he stood in the street waving as we pulled away, all the richer for crashing a party for a man we barely know.
Frank Yetter
This is a guest post from meanderthals.posterous.com
a wonderfully written story. thank you. i realize this happens a lot and i only wish each person’s story ends happily. i miss cambodia. can’t wait to move back.
Excellent. I was born and raised in Rhode Island as well. This guy must really be in love, because most Rhode Islanders will never venture further than Boston for anything.
good for him,
few questions;
Now where will they live?
As he looks over 50, I guess they will not register the wedding.
Should be a fun time with the US embassy
Hope u do a 1 year follow up
Ah, another 55 year old “barang” who flashes the cash and marries a 25 year old third-world peasant. How neanderthal.
That’s rather uncharitable of you. Are your piles playing up this morning? And anyway, she looks more like 35 than 25.
Steve – On behalf of the world, push off and get a life. Very ignorant to make an assumption based on little fact. How do you know she’s a peasant.
It could very well be that this particular couple will live happily-ever-after, but I doubt it. These are, at best, marriages of convenience; a union between a man from the richest country on earth and a family from one of the poorest. Love, at least from her perspective, was never a part of the equation, and those who think it is, are incredibly naive.
From the “Mail-order brides” in the Philippines, to the third-world peasants in Thailand and Cambodia, the women from the underclass in Southeast Asia are desperate and will do anything to escape their dire financial situation. They also feel a deep cultural and social obligation to pay back their parents for all they have done. Here in Cambodia, it is called “Milk money” and it is something most “Barangs” will never understand.
I have no doubt that the man in this story fell in love with this woman. What I know is that his love for her was not returned. He, like so many others, have no idea what goes on “behind the scenes.”
I have been a teacher in Thailand and Cambodia. I have “lost” female students who ended up in the bars to pay back the “Milk money.” I have had female students who have been pimped by their parents to foreign men twice their age because of a parental obligation that naive foreigners are not privy to. I’m sick to death of this. And I dare say, you should be too.
You make too many assumptions. Do you know the bride in this story? What I’m sick to death of is people like you who make judgments based on no knowledge of Don and his bride’s story.
I invite Don and his new bride to tell their story on Khmer440. That way, we can know how they met, how her family TRULY feels about their marriage, what was said by her family “behind the scenes”, how much “milk money” is being given to her family, any discussion of ‘Green Card’ preparation, and anything else of interest so that we can safely conclude that this marriage is based on true love.
If ever there was a ‘nattering nabob of negativism’…
Also, who are you to call her a “peasent”? For all we know, this woman could be the Cambodian Prime Minister’s daughter! I for one know of a couple of Aussie and American men who claim to have married very important Lao women and are living together with them in Vientiane, capital of Laos.
She looks very pretty and I hope she will be happy with her new husband. Also, the more marriages like this I see, the more I appreciate the increasingly multicultural world we are living in. Multiculturalism shouldn’t just be confined to the west, but to every country in the world, including Cambodia.
Don looks like he is about 45 and the Bride as Peter said looks more like 35.
Goodluck to them both, they will need it for the Embassy/spouse visa application and settlement in the USA if that is what they plan. Meethinks this will be a long distance marriage for quite a while.
To the naysayers. It is a good thing that Don looks to have found happiness, even birelfy, otherwise his life would be a permanent misery like the negative lives of you miserable narcissists.
Who said anything about moving back to the USA? Don could live in Cambodia for the rest of his life without making any complicated applications for a spouse visa, which he would need to do for his wife. After the initial US$25 business or “ordinary visa” on arrival plus 1 photograph, he can get extensions at infinitum for between US$270-300 per year or pay the government a steep sum for Cambodian citizenship. However, even if figured over a lifetime, the one year extensions and occasional need to replace a full passport will come out being much cheaper than the citizenship option.
Now with the residency thingy solved, he could easily open a business of some sort together with his wife – the key is that he needs enough money to invest.
Despite widespread corruption, poor infrastructure and poverty, Cambodia is a great country and is certainly a very nice and exciting place for someone like Don to live.
Congratulations to Don and his bride!
Good for Don! PS– a friend of mine has a mail-order bride from Philippines and he is happily married, tho he does pay her family quite a bit of “milk money”. They have two daughters and they are, by his own admission, impossible, but that is another matter, n’est-ce pas.
In other words, Steve has a point, but love is a funny thing and can’t be confined to anthropology textbooks, thank good ness…
Steve , i certainly dont agree with your first assumption , however having been in an 8month relationship with a Viet girl , i certainly agree with your second comment. It basically boils down to money , thats it in a nutshell.Family first , no ifs no buts. Its hard being a 4th class citizen sometimes
Steve,
The story of Don and his bride is your business because……………..?
… because we shall know the truth. Do not fear the truth, Richard, for it is the truth that shall set you free.
Don and his bride’s story and wedding really is none of your business. Your entire commentary of this event is quite pitiful and reflective of the tragic life you’ve led to date. Your comments and interest in their relationship leads me to believe you’ve been engage in a multitude of failed sex for money relationships that’s left you angry and bitter.
richard says: March 21, 2012 at 9:53 am
“good for him, few questions; Now where will they live?
As he looks over 50, I guess they will not register the wedding. Should be a fun time with the US embassy. Hope u do a 1 year follow up.”
You made this your business, Richard, before I started to comment, so don’t tell anyone else that it’s “none of your business.” If you want to cheer these sick unions on, then good for you; take your pom-poms and cheer. Remember that there are others with differing views and opinions. I still find it fascinating that the older ‘Barangs’ get, the less common sense they have when it comes to Southeast Asian women.
You’re a true jerk-off.
Steve,
That was a different Richard, not me. Once again you make an assumption without any knowledge. Very typical of you. So, I didn’t start anything, I only commented on your negative view and bitter opinion.
Steve you should be ashamed of yourself! You could have saved one of your students from a life or depravity and prostitution by doing the honourable thing and marrying her. At the same time you would have saved a family from grinding poverty and redistributed some of the wealth from your native homeland. Instead you choose to judge someone who has had no success with Western golddiggers and has a chances to find happiness in the East. Who cares if it’s based on true love…a large proportion of those liaisons end in tears anyway. Live and let live
Please forgive me, Pete, for not taking up the “White Man’s Burden” by rescuing a third-world family out of poverty. Exchanging a Western golddigger for an Eastern golddigger is a much better move, I guess. It’s nice to see that Western men in Southeast Asia are such rational beings who think deeply about this issue and learn from past mistakes.
Ok. I respect the fact that you consider these liaisons to be an extension of imperialism. The white man has no cause to be proud of past or,indeed, present empire-building. However, in some cases there must surely be a more altruistic element at play, and provided the woman is treated with respect, and there is no whiff of co-ercion, where is the problem? I’m sure you are also aware that many Asian men do not treat their women kindly, and as such, a “Barang” is considered a fine prize. As regards the difference between a Western and an Eastern gold-digger, unless one is totally naive, one knows what one is getting into with the latter. Of course you are entitled to your opinions, but maybe you should be a little less hasty to pass judgement
So Steve – how old are you? Ever been married? Ever been in the military? Do you have a university education?
I’d guess you’re probably around 5’7″ with a true ‘small man’s complex’, never been loved, angry that life has dealt you a bad hand, was never breast-fed, was picked on a lot as a kid which still continues, and have always been a real loser.
Richard says: March 27, 2012 at 8:16 pm
“So Steve,
1) How old are you?
2) Ever been married?
3) Ever been in the military?
4) Do you have a university education?”
Answers:
1) None of your business
2) None of your business
3) None of your business
4) None of your business
Richard says: March 27, 2012 at 8:16 pm
“I’d guess you’re probably around 5’7″ with a true ‘small man’s complex’, never been loved, angry that life has dealt you a bad hand, was never breast-fed, was picked on a lot as a kid which still continues, and have always been a real loser.”
Thank you for this insightful glimpse into your mind, Richard. I have always loved studying anthropology.
Put it this way Richard,if he was a “Barang” teaching English to Khmers it wasn’t because he was a high-flying businessman!
Washed-up old alcoholic loser would certainly be much closer to the mark!
They look like Jim and Tammy Faye! :O
Lu
I am with Steve (not that it would count for much). It may be like bliss for him now, for her it’s all about getting out of poverty or near-poverty most likely. Wait till she gets to the U. S. where they will surely go to live because with his qualifications (maintenance staff being what? Janitor?)what would he do here? He may be happy for the time being but when it comes to supporting her family back in Cambodia on his meager wages, he will soon lose his illusions. It may take longer than one year, but I am pretty sure the real essence of that union will set in in the not too distant future. This sounds like one of those marriages that overseas Cambodians usually arrange for money for relatives and friends. They got lucky this time as the naive Rhode Islander did it for free.
So cynical. However and looking into the future, I’d be very curious to read a 12 month update on the original article.
Sure, it’s cynical but the truth in the majority of the cases. Having seen many of those arranged overseas marriages in the U. S. I know a little bit about it.
Hey Steve,
Saw your picture and boy was I right on, you are one ugly dude. No wonder you’re angry with life, only a pay-for-sex arrangement will ever get you laid and any decent woman would take one look at you and run like hell in the opposite direction. I’m sure you didn’t answer my questions due to embarrassing answers but can tell what they are by looking at your pic.
Age – 35 to 40
Married – Who would marry a rather pudgy, unattractive man
Military – You’d never make it, The services doesn’t take wimps
University – possibly\
Sorry life has dealt you a cruel hand.
Richard says: March 30, 2012 at 8:47 am
“Age – 35 to 40″
Wow, thank you so much, Richard. The picture you are referring to is three years old and was taken when I was 49. I am now 52. You must be wondering what I do to keep looking so young. 35 -40! Wow! I still can’t believe you wrote that. I like you Richard. You’re my bestest friend ever!
I have been married to a Cambodian woman for 12+ years! Never was asked to pay anyone, anything, for the wedding arraignment; she and I arranged the wedding and had it registered. I have only helped those who I wanted to help. I liked her parents and yes, I kicked in money to help with their funerals, because they were nice people and their death was a sad event for me; they died about four months apart. For the same reason, I improved the grave of her older brother, who I considered a friend. I have also provided rice to one of my wife’s younger sisters, because she is a nice person with problems. I have never been asked to support her family, but when a nephew was injured, I went to the hospital and saw that he was refused even the simplest level of care without cash up front, so I helped. When a different nephew was dieing, I helped a little, but sadly not enough.
My wife has never asked to live in the USA, or any foreign country. We are both quite contented to live Phnom Penh.
I have a very good and comfortable marriage, that includes several step-children and a wonderful step-grand daughter. I have never been catered to and pampered so much in my life.
We should not judge others by unfortunate experiences in our past, or the past of others. We all have different lives and perspectives.
It was a very nice story that should have been left, as just that.
Richard R. says: March 30, 2012 at 8:30 pm
“I liked her parents and yes, I kicked in money to help with their funerals, because they were nice people and their death was a sad event for me; they died about four months apart.”
Fair enough, Richard, and congratulations on your marriage; but have you considered that paying for your in-laws’ funeral may be just one of the reasons a woman from the third-world would want to marry you?
Steve, Richard’s wife CHOSE him. No pre-arranged marriage, no dowry. Usually a big dowry is the poor family pay-off, especially for a ‘rich’ foreigner. Family didn’t get any.
All her wife asks is from the goodness of his heart.
Steve, if your immediate family (in-laws) were dead or dying wouldn’t you want to help if you could? Or would you just let them starve and die?
Richard, congrats on such a long and happy marriage.
But how did you get step-children? Was she married before?
What happened to her previous husband?
Beautiful story Richard!
Steve, one week with a good woman is worth one year in hell. There are many great success stories about Cambodian/foreigners. Wake up and smell the roses.
Sound interesting to read thru all yr comments! Congrat to Don, I wish him with a happy marriage as Richard R. too. I’m so impress with yr statement Richard, u really have married to the good Khmer girl. So lucky of u and u may deserve for this good. I wish yr voice is heard and raised as much as possible in order to change foreigners bad view on us. Of course, not all barang men meet good girls here. They can’t wait, and not many way for them to meet and date.
Jesus, it was a wedding! Be happy for people! No respect or humanity, or optimism by some doomsayers/ envious perfect people.How do you carry on living, being so negative? 55% of people in the US get divorced within 5 years – is that any better, just because they are possibly from simlar demographics or backgrounds?
Viva the couple, and all the best!
I’ve heard a few western female mates of mine saying that they would never be with a man for money. My response is invariably to ask them if they would go out with a completely unemployable bloke whose sole source of income is welfare; their response is, invariably, OH NO!
Would a western male get with a western female who was a single mother on welfare? Quite possibly.
An evolutionary psychologist may venture that, like it or not, males are judged by prospective females on their own set of criteria. Universally, one of these criterion is the ability to provide.
It’s only in the post-industrial era that westerners are able to get a little snobby about those from pre-industrial countries where the bread-winning criterion is given a higher priority than they now accord ‘their’ men.
It’s just a matter of degrees in my perspective.
Don’t most western women seek to improve their situation by marriage? Of course they do. Do we think this is bad? No, of course not. In fact we admire them for it. Why then criticize South-east Asian women for doing the same?
The FBI has all the sex trade and human trafficking facts listed on their website. Two happy stories from so happy-go-lucky ex-pats doesn’t change that. Thanks Steve for discussing some of the “lighter” repercussions of this “bridal trade,” as well as some others.
If someone posted a story about a man and woman meeting and getting married in the US would you post about prostitution in New York?
This story has nothing to do with the bridal trade, it’s two people meeting through mutual friends and getting married.
Don’t lump all Asian women together as whores and don’t lump all SE Asian families as destitute, it’s disrespectful and culturally insensitive.
Steve is stating a highly probabilistic fact. Nothing in life is certain, but if you think a beautiful Khmer girl fell in love and is willing to marry an old Rhode Island janitor based solely on Skype calls….call me quickly because I want to sell you the last of my bridges.
I don’t understand Richard’s vitriol just because someone disagrees with him…but then again, isn’t “dick” the short hand for Richard?
Hey Richard, stop being such a Richard.