by Mèo Đen » Thu Mar 14, 2019 12:45 pm
jaclu wrote: ↑Wed Mar 13, 2019 6:03 am
Chapter 2:
At the end of ch. 1, you mention that over time you recognized the card game as a recurring event amongst this group of women. That must have taken some time, perhaps 3-4 days at least. Yet at the start of ch. 2, we are back to the day after arriving. So even if this knowledge was gained in due time, it couldn't really be present on day 2.
This is a fairly common mistake, streamlining a story to focus on the main plot and referring to some knowledge that couldn't really have been gained at that time according to the chronology as written. Perhaps use a week later or a few days later.
Just after that paragraph, she "answered in rather good English, as far as I could judge"
What does that even mean??
If according to you, the level of her English was rather good, what is the purpose of the disclaimer?
Chapter 3:
When first introduced in ch. 2, the woman was from the neighborhood, and not one of the women of that backyard. Now she is referred to as being your neighbor.
It's hard to pinpoint, but it doesn't feel like your text has a good flow, you switch from mostly using a very to the point way of writing, almost terse, and describing your observations in a rather non-emotional way to suddenly change style completely when describing the scene in Ch. 5 and then back again to the previous style.
I completed the story but didn't have time to make any more notes.
It is by far much easier to read and have an opinion on a texts context, form, and style than to produce text, so best wishes!
I agree with your points, for me the events in the order described lack coherence and as such are not believable. That's not to say the story is totally fabricated. The events of themselves could have happened but would have been over a longer time frame and in different contexts.
For example the impromptu trip to the province appears entirely contrived. If an unknown girl had a problem with her family I can imagine the author giving money for the trip to help out, but not dropping everything and taking her to the village. If the person had some relationship with the girl then that would be more plausible. It is also hard to imagine that a girl that is a complete stranger to the author would accept such a trip to visit her family with a stranger.
On the trip to the village we hear: "There were several phone calls from the doctor while we were on our way. Each call made the gleam of hope in her eyes get dimmer and dimmer.
She fainted twice in my arms: the first time — when she heard one of the injured had deceased without regaining consciousness, and the second time — when she was told her 19-year-old brother had passed away. None survived."
Then on arrival at the village we are told: "The people gave way to us, I made several steps and sank to the stairs leading into the house.
My companion brought a pot and a bar of soap, and pointed at a row of big jars with water seen here and there in the courtyard. ‘‘Grab any and wash yourself,’’ she said. I turned round the corner of the house, where nobody could see me, and poured half a big jar of warm rainwater over myself." But in the previous paragraph we are told that her brother had died and on arrival there are no mention of the distraught condition of the family in this stressful time or the funeral rights that would surly be in progress and would have made a strong impression on the author, and surly would have been described in detail if they had happened.
[quote=jaclu post_id=962790 time=1552431823 user_id=37082]
Chapter 2:
At the end of ch. 1, you mention that over time you recognized the card game as a recurring event amongst this group of women. That must have taken some time, perhaps 3-4 days at least. Yet at the start of ch. 2, we are back to the day after arriving. So even if this knowledge was gained in due time, it couldn't really be present on day 2.
This is a fairly common mistake, streamlining a story to focus on the main plot and referring to some knowledge that couldn't really have been gained at that time according to the chronology as written. Perhaps use a week later or a few days later.
Just after that paragraph, she "answered in rather good English, as far as I could judge"
What does that even mean??
If according to you, the level of her English was rather good, what is the purpose of the disclaimer?
Chapter 3:
When first introduced in ch. 2, the woman was from the neighborhood, and not one of the women of that backyard. Now she is referred to as being your neighbor.
It's hard to pinpoint, but it doesn't feel like your text has a good flow, you switch from mostly using a very to the point way of writing, almost terse, and describing your observations in a rather non-emotional way to suddenly change style completely when describing the scene in Ch. 5 and then back again to the previous style.
I completed the story but didn't have time to make any more notes.
It is by far much easier to read and have an opinion on a texts context, form, and style than to produce text, so best wishes!
[/quote]
I agree with your points, for me the events in the order described lack coherence and as such are not believable. That's not to say the story is totally fabricated. The events of themselves could have happened but would have been over a longer time frame and in different contexts.
For example the impromptu trip to the province appears entirely contrived. If an unknown girl had a problem with her family I can imagine the author giving money for the trip to help out, but not dropping everything and taking her to the village. If the person had some relationship with the girl then that would be more plausible. It is also hard to imagine that a girl that is a complete stranger to the author would accept such a trip to visit her family with a stranger.
On the trip to the village we hear: "There were several phone calls from the doctor while we were on our way. Each call made the gleam of hope in her eyes get dimmer and dimmer. [u][b]She fainted twice in my arms: the first time — when she heard one of the injured had deceased without regaining consciousness, and the second time — when she was told her 19-year-old brother had passed away. None survived.[/b][/u]"
Then on arrival at the village we are told: "The people gave way to us, I made several steps and sank to the stairs leading into the house. [b][u]My companion brought a pot and a bar of soap, and pointed at a row of big jars with water seen here and there in the courtyard. [/u][/b]‘‘Grab any and wash yourself,’’ she said. I turned round the corner of the house, where nobody could see me, and poured half a big jar of warm rainwater over myself." But in the previous paragraph we are told that her brother had died and on arrival there are no mention of the distraught condition of the family in this stressful time or the funeral rights that would surly be in progress and would have made a strong impression on the author, and surly would have been described in detail if they had happened.