Questions About Sexual Assault and Khmer Children
Questions About Sexual Assault and Khmer Children
I post here under another name, but my fiancee (of 2 years) recently confided something in me and asked me not tell any of my friends or family, I am just curious to see if anyone else has any similar experiences, as I want to help her as best I can.
A little background info, she is so called "white girl", grew up in the province until she was 10 then mom put her in a christian orphanage (dad died at age 8), I know everything about her past have met everyone in her family, all her friends, etc etc. If she wasn't a "white girl" i wouldn't care either way, but for the sake of the topic at hand (sexual assault) she hasn't had a lot of experience with sex, where as a non "white girl" may have.
I've noticed that she is prone to depression and has really bad anxiety (both things i have as well), I have tried to talk to her about these issues but she says that she says sometimes she feels sad and hopeless and cannot make the issue go away. I told her she can always talk to me about her feelings, etc. etc. She brought it up yesterday and asked if she could tell me something she's never told me before...
She said all of these feelings started when she was about nine, a her "uncle"(probably some random fucking guy her mom called her uncle) came to her village to visit. When she was sleeping at night she woke up and he was on top of her "doing something"(her words, not mine) and she said she had never been more scared in her life. Eventually her mom heard people moving around and started to wake up so the guy stopped. To this day the nobody knows, not her mom, not her sisters, not her friends. She said she never saw the guy again as he stole a motobike from someone in the village the next day and disappeared.
She said she hates her mom for letting a stranger stay with her. She said she was always a happy child before and never felt scared of anything, but since that time she gets scared all the time and can't control it. She gets super anxious when she has to go back to her province, and is so scared that someone will find out about it, and then everyone will look down on her (which as far as I know is fairly common in the provincial culture). She gets terrified about these things and I try to help her but really think she needs therapy. She says she refuses to tell anyone else because they might tell other people and then everyone will hate her and think she is garbage, she was afraid to tel me because she thought I wouldn't love her anymore.
Maybe I'm just venting, but if anyone has any similar experiences or advice, it would be well received. I feel like things like this happen a lot but it's so rare to talk about it in the world (especially in Cambodia).
Maybe I'm not explaining things in the best way, so feel free to ask for more clarification.
Thanks.
A little background info, she is so called "white girl", grew up in the province until she was 10 then mom put her in a christian orphanage (dad died at age 8), I know everything about her past have met everyone in her family, all her friends, etc etc. If she wasn't a "white girl" i wouldn't care either way, but for the sake of the topic at hand (sexual assault) she hasn't had a lot of experience with sex, where as a non "white girl" may have.
I've noticed that she is prone to depression and has really bad anxiety (both things i have as well), I have tried to talk to her about these issues but she says that she says sometimes she feels sad and hopeless and cannot make the issue go away. I told her she can always talk to me about her feelings, etc. etc. She brought it up yesterday and asked if she could tell me something she's never told me before...
She said all of these feelings started when she was about nine, a her "uncle"(probably some random fucking guy her mom called her uncle) came to her village to visit. When she was sleeping at night she woke up and he was on top of her "doing something"(her words, not mine) and she said she had never been more scared in her life. Eventually her mom heard people moving around and started to wake up so the guy stopped. To this day the nobody knows, not her mom, not her sisters, not her friends. She said she never saw the guy again as he stole a motobike from someone in the village the next day and disappeared.
She said she hates her mom for letting a stranger stay with her. She said she was always a happy child before and never felt scared of anything, but since that time she gets scared all the time and can't control it. She gets super anxious when she has to go back to her province, and is so scared that someone will find out about it, and then everyone will look down on her (which as far as I know is fairly common in the provincial culture). She gets terrified about these things and I try to help her but really think she needs therapy. She says she refuses to tell anyone else because they might tell other people and then everyone will hate her and think she is garbage, she was afraid to tel me because she thought I wouldn't love her anymore.
Maybe I'm just venting, but if anyone has any similar experiences or advice, it would be well received. I feel like things like this happen a lot but it's so rare to talk about it in the world (especially in Cambodia).
Maybe I'm not explaining things in the best way, so feel free to ask for more clarification.
Thanks.
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That's a horrible story and, the worst part, probably not so uncommon. I cant offer any advice other that pewrhaps finding a psychologist that specializes with sexual assault victims. I am unsure if there are any in the kingdom.
In case you didn't know, if you used the same internet connection as your usual post, the forum software will match the ip addresses so the admins/mods will be able to see your usual name.I post here under another name,
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I'm also a regular poster who takes his sock puppet off the dusty shelf for this.
I'm sexually abused when i was about seven, for multiple times, it lasted about a year or so.
These memories i always have suppressed as that was my only known survival mechanism at that time.
It messed up my personality pretty badly, i've been alone with it for perhaps another seven years or so,
scared to talk about it, feeling guilty about it, feeling rage inside, disconnected feelings, low self esteem, aggressive behavior, suicidal thoughts, automutilation, heavy mood swings, all that...
Then at an early stage, i was 12, it went to substance abuse... At about 15 i finally started to speak about it, but that time i had already messed up my mind even more so and was heavily into drugs and binge drinking... It was the only way to not have to feel these negative emotions/trauma that i knew at that time. Finally many years later, after a few failed attempts i found the the right therapeutical environment. Both my addiction and its causes where treated there over 2 years of intensive and at times very difficult and very confrontational therapy. It's good that your girlfriend and you talk about it, it's a start. But she'll need more professional help with it, and she'll have to work through her trauma with the help of a psychologist/therapy i think... Anyway, i wish you both all the best, and hope you both can start that difficult but necessary proces soon, expect an emotional rollercoaster for some time, but fight through it, because in the end, it will be very worth it!!! Good Luck!!!
I'm sexually abused when i was about seven, for multiple times, it lasted about a year or so.
These memories i always have suppressed as that was my only known survival mechanism at that time.
It messed up my personality pretty badly, i've been alone with it for perhaps another seven years or so,
scared to talk about it, feeling guilty about it, feeling rage inside, disconnected feelings, low self esteem, aggressive behavior, suicidal thoughts, automutilation, heavy mood swings, all that...
Then at an early stage, i was 12, it went to substance abuse... At about 15 i finally started to speak about it, but that time i had already messed up my mind even more so and was heavily into drugs and binge drinking... It was the only way to not have to feel these negative emotions/trauma that i knew at that time. Finally many years later, after a few failed attempts i found the the right therapeutical environment. Both my addiction and its causes where treated there over 2 years of intensive and at times very difficult and very confrontational therapy. It's good that your girlfriend and you talk about it, it's a start. But she'll need more professional help with it, and she'll have to work through her trauma with the help of a psychologist/therapy i think... Anyway, i wish you both all the best, and hope you both can start that difficult but necessary proces soon, expect an emotional rollercoaster for some time, but fight through it, because in the end, it will be very worth it!!! Good Luck!!!
She can't trust anyone and now she can't trust you either. Why would you post here there are lots of books and informative web sites that could better help. Don't you think ?
Ι'м тнє σиє ωнσ нαѕ тσ ∂ιє ωнєи ιт'ѕ тιмє fσя мє тσ ∂ιє ѕσ ℓєт мє ℓινє му ℓιfє тнє ωαу Ι ωαит тσ - ʝJιмι Нєи∂яιχ
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Because of answers like the one above your post.Beaker wrote:She can't trust anyone and now she can't trust you either. Why would you post here there are lots of books and informative web sites that could better help. Don't you think ?
"We want our country to develop step by step. But that is such a long way off . . . as far away as the stars."
Jobless father in documentary Cambodia: Country of Scars.
Jobless father in documentary Cambodia: Country of Scars.
Literally thousands and thousands of such experiences elsewhere on the appropriate places with actual doctor who know how to help.PenhMan wrote:Because of answers like the one above your post.Beaker wrote:She can't trust anyone and now she can't trust you either. Why would you post here there are lots of books and informative web sites that could better help. Don't you think ?
Ι'м тнє σиє ωнσ нαѕ тσ ∂ιє ωнєи ιт'ѕ тιмє fσя мє тσ ∂ιє ѕσ ℓєт мє ℓινє му ℓιfє тнє ωαу Ι ωαит тσ - ʝJιмι Нєи∂яιχ
Sorry to hear about this about your girlfriend, OP. And sorry too for the abuse you suffered, Subversive Yuan.
OP, you're the only one person she told, so there is a lot that is weighing on you. While she's refusing any kind of therapy or external help, you are her only anchor.
Make sure that she always feels safe, protected and valued with you.
That doesn't mean though that you should indulge her in excuses if she's having troubles. But it doesn't seem she's a troublesome girl by your account.
That's a huge secret that she'll probably never ever tell anyone and least of all her parents.
And there's nothing wrong with that and it's normal. Parents aren't the best confidants even if they wish they were. She doesn't have to tell anybody in her family to overcome it.
I would say just make sure you are there when she has her bouts of anxiety and listen to her. You don't necessarily have to say anything. Just make her feel understood and safe. If she's anxious about people knowing her secret, assure her that the only people who know won't tell. If her anxiety is tied to memories of that man, ensure her that you are there to protect her. If she's afraid of being rejected, it is tied to her traumatic experience being kept secret and to you.
In my opinion, and while she's not ready and refuses professional help, you're her de facto therapist, and you'll be the one she'll turn to when depressed and anxious. Get ready for that.
OP, you're the only one person she told, so there is a lot that is weighing on you. While she's refusing any kind of therapy or external help, you are her only anchor.
Make sure that she always feels safe, protected and valued with you.
That doesn't mean though that you should indulge her in excuses if she's having troubles. But it doesn't seem she's a troublesome girl by your account.
That's a huge secret that she'll probably never ever tell anyone and least of all her parents.
And there's nothing wrong with that and it's normal. Parents aren't the best confidants even if they wish they were. She doesn't have to tell anybody in her family to overcome it.
I would say just make sure you are there when she has her bouts of anxiety and listen to her. You don't necessarily have to say anything. Just make her feel understood and safe. If she's anxious about people knowing her secret, assure her that the only people who know won't tell. If her anxiety is tied to memories of that man, ensure her that you are there to protect her. If she's afraid of being rejected, it is tied to her traumatic experience being kept secret and to you.
In my opinion, and while she's not ready and refuses professional help, you're her de facto therapist, and you'll be the one she'll turn to when depressed and anxious. Get ready for that.
He's posting anonymously, we don't know who he and she is. I think he's asking here because of the Khmer, local angle. Some trauma and responses to trauma are particular to cultures, society and local mores.Beaker wrote:Literally thousands and thousands of such experiences elsewhere on the appropriate places with actual doctor who know how to help.PenhMan wrote:Because of answers like the one above your post.Beaker wrote:She can't trust anyone and now she can't trust you either. Why would you post here there are lots of books and informative web sites that could better help. Don't you think ?
I don't see a problem in that. And if you aren't willing to help OP with advice or sharing experience, leave the thread.
While we can look up IP addresses, they are very often shared with several different posters. We can't track it back and we won't look to do it anyway.Gin&Tonic wrote:In case you didn't know, if you used the same internet connection as your usual post, the forum software will match the ip addresses so the admins/mods will be able to see your usual name.I post here under another name,
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True, there's a lot of stuff written about the subject, but what classifies as "an appropriate place to talk about it" for you?Beaker wrote:
Literally thousands and thousands of such experiences elsewhere on the appropriate places with actual doctor who know how to help.
I for one thinks that here, with the relative anonymity, is a good place to start. Many people find their way to professional help after sharing their stories with hands on experts rather than from a visit to a local doctor or so...
Beaker wrote:so you really believe this is appropriate place to discuss this , whether we know her name or not ,and doesn't matter that she asked him not to tell anyone about the matter ?Joon wrote:He's posting anonymously, we don't know who he and she is. I think he's asking here because of the Khmer, local angle. Some trauma and responses to trauma are particular to cultures, society and local mores.Beaker wrote:Literally thousands and thousands of such experiences elsewhere on the appropriate places with actual doctor who know how to help.PenhMan wrote:Because of answers like the one above your post.Beaker wrote:She can't trust anyone and now she can't trust you either. Why would you post here there are lots of books and informative web sites that could better help. Don't you think ?
I don't see a problem in that. And if you aren't willing to help OP with advice or sharing experience, leave the thread.
I wish the best for her but think this is not going to help one bit even with the response he has gotten.
It's common knowledge that talking to others who have had similar experiences helps in the appropriate settings when the victum is ready ?
Telling the friend of the victum IMHO does nothing to help her what's he going to do with the info ? Tell her to go tell others when she has made it clear she is not ready to do so
Ding Ding Ding to Joon, that is correct. I have a lot of experience talking to people about sexual assault and trauma but it's all incidents that have happened in the west, culture plays an extremely large role in addressing it. While I know there are lots of people in the west who feel personally devalued and worthless, it usually not too common for someones family to also view them that way, unfortunately in Cambodia that seems to be the case as they feel it brings shame onto the family. (makes you boil with rage)
Also Beaker, if you read closely you would see I promised not to tell any of my family or friends, she's super into social-networks and has thousands of "internet friends", I specifically asked her if I could talk to people online and she said "as long as they don't know me or my friends or my family". Now run along back to Professor Egghead, we all see why he is the brains of the operation.
Thanks for all the contributions so far, haven't had the time time to respond yet, but it's much appreciated.
I read it that he wasn't wanting information in order to help her per se, but to help him understand the situation he finds himself with his girl!Beaker wrote:so you really believe this is appropriate place to discuss this , whether we know her name or not ,and doesn't matter that she asked him not to tell anyone about the matter ?Joon wrote:He's posting anonymously, we don't know who he and she is. I think he's asking here because of the Khmer, local angle. Some trauma and responses to trauma are particular to cultures, society and local mores.Beaker wrote:Literally thousands and thousands of such experiences elsewhere on the appropriate places with actual doctor who know how to help.PenhMan wrote:Because of answers like the one above your post.Beaker wrote:She can't trust anyone and now she can't trust you either. Why would you post here there are lots of books and informative web sites that could better help. Don't you think ?
I don't see a problem in that. And if you aren't willing to help OP with advice or sharing experience, leave the thread.
I wish the best for her but think this is not going to help one bit even with the response he has gotten.
It's common knowledge that talking to others who have had similar experiences helps in the appropriate settings when the victum is ready ?
Telling the friend of the victum IMHO does nothing to help her what's he going to do with the info ? Tell her to go tell others when she has made it clear she is not ready to do so
Perhaps if he is better armed with knowledge of others experience, which SY for one provided his, then he might be able to develop the tools in order to help the one he loves.
OP - sorry to hear, and hope both of you can work through what is tragically an all too common experience for many, not just in Cambodia, but also in so called "1st world".
How about one with other victum and a doctor or psycologist who are trained and educated to do so.Subversive Yuan wrote:True, there's a lot of stuff written about the subject, but what classifies as "an appropriate place to talk about it" for you?Beaker wrote:
Literally thousands and thousands of such experiences elsewhere on the appropriate places with actual doctor who know how to help.
I for one thinks that here, with the relative anonymity, is a good place to start. Many people find their way to professional help after sharing their stories with hands on experts rather than from a visit to a local doctor or so...
My posts are a perfect example why discuss it with me ?
Ι'м тнє σиє ωнσ нαѕ тσ ∂ιє ωнєи ιт'ѕ тιмє fσя мє тσ ∂ιє ѕσ ℓєт мє ℓινє му ℓιfє тнє ωαу Ι ωαит тσ - ʝJιмι Нєи∂яιχ
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Then shut the fuck up beaker. Clearly you've got nothing to contribute.
You were advised by Joon to leave this thread, so beat it.
You were advised by Joon to leave this thread, so beat it.
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