Joke of the day.
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- Requiescat In Pace
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- Joined: Mon Aug 25, 2003 11:32 am
A blond calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here
and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how
to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blond says,
"According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread
all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax..
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ....
........
"We can put all the Corn Flakes back into the box."
and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how
to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blond says,
"According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread
all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax..
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ....
........
"We can put all the Corn Flakes back into the box."
I refuse to go out with nothing more than a whimper followed by a small farting sound and a shit stain on my bed sheets..
Just thought I'd share that with you.
Just thought I'd share that with you.
Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."
"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.
"To whom do you turn your back?"
"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.
"To whom do you turn your back?"
I refuse to go out with nothing more than a whimper followed by a small farting sound and a shit stain on my bed sheets..
Just thought I'd share that with you.
Just thought I'd share that with you.
- RainMan
- K440 Defender of the Faith
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- Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2013 7:54 pm
- Location: Vagabond
Two racehorses were talking, one said he felt like crap before the race but a man gave him a needle which made him feel fantastic and he won his race. The other horse said wow, the same thing happened to me as well. A greyhound that overheard the conversation said excuse me for interrupting but the same thing happened to me as well.
The two horses looked at each other astonished and one said fuk, I didn't know greyhounds could talk.
The two horses looked at each other astonished and one said fuk, I didn't know greyhounds could talk.
Never mind.
- Khmerhamster
- Bark plop plop bark woof woof
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- Joined: Mon May 09, 2016 2:14 pm
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would
have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would
have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
- Khmerhamster
- Bark plop plop bark woof woof
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- Joined: Mon May 09, 2016 2:14 pm
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
This is for David L, after his right hook
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !
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- Impin' Aint Easy
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My first time having sex was a lot like my first game of rugby. I was battered and bruised but at least my dad came.
How can a jihadist tell that his little sister is having her period ?
His father's dick doesn't taste the same.
His father's dick doesn't taste the same.
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