Marrying Your Cambodian Girfriend and Going Home

It is not a strange thing for a foreigner to come to Cambodia and fall in love with the culture, the people, and the way of life here. There’s so much to love!

Some foreigners get involved in a relationship with a local woman, with varying levels of commitment. Now and again one of those relationships will become stronger and develop into the ultimate commitment – marriage.

I had always abhorred the idea of marriage. With such a poor role model of marriage from my own parents, I had planned to never go down the same path. Now, finding myself married, I find it funny the direction in which life can lead you?

For those in a serious relationship with a Khmer woman, the time will come when they decide to go home with her, whether it be just to meet the family or as a holiday, or more permanently, to live.

For me, the decision to return home was a mix of missing family, a bizarre and lengthy run of misfortune, the lure of money, and the expectation of my Khmer family that I would take my wife to the Golden Land of the West, where everything is great.

I left Cambodia with the expectation that we would be in Australia for a few years. I imagined I would spend that time saving money for a comfortable return to Cambodia life, with my main goals purchasing a business, home and car. I envisaged my wife would spend her time in wide-eyed wonderment, taking in all the new surroundings of the place I called home.

What follows are journal entries, taken and edited from the posts on Khmer 440’s forum.

I have returned to Australia with my Khmer wife. It’s just a little short of hell. Although I needed to get out of Phnom Penh, I am suffering a HUGE amount of culture shock, and wish I had never left.

After 3 years abroad, I’ve forgotten what home was like. It’s really tough. I miss Cambodia, which feels more like home than this place. I miss the simplicity.

I feel lost and scared in this place…and that’s just me! Can you imagine how my poor wife feels?! She is Khmer, so hardly expresses how she feels, especially if it would make her husband?s life tougher… but needless to say she misses her family, and cries every night.

I can’t imagine staying here for a month, let alone a year or more, but I know that I have to. The point in returning home was to save money for a business and home in PP, so…do it we must.

Ah shit… this sure is a sad time for me, but I am hoping it will get better and easier every day.

I have received quite a bit of advice but both friends and strangers on the Khmer 440 Forum. I need it now more than ever.

I fear I may have made an enormous strategic blunder coming here. I thought moving to a regional centre, rather than a city would lessen the negative effect on my wife. Plus, I felt moving in with my family, who have three children (one 8yr old, and twins-2yrs old), would replicate the family environment that she is so used to, rather than us being in a city apartment alone.

I”ve moved to a place near Albury. Well, actually it is about a 20-minute drive outside of Albury, and now I discover that with no public transportation we are quite isolated.

We’re looking into some free English classes that she may qualify for today, so her reading and writing can get up to scratch, and that will help her job efforts.

Basically though, she isn’t interested in being here, doing anything, or even meeting other Khmers. She’s just thinking about going home constantly. I can only hope it passes.

In the meantime, I’m feeling less pumped about it all, and questioning my own motivation and ability to do the job I said I would do with my sister (which is the crux for supporting us and having us return to Cambodia). I’m getting paid about the same as I was in PP, but the cost of living here is astronomically higher!

I have been kept sane by keeping in touch with the 440 board. It’s been more than a chat over the Internet, but the words of advice and encouragement have been the only voices of people that understand where I’ve come from, and it is a place I?ve felt I can offload some of these thoughts and feelings on.

It’s been a week now, and I feel A LOT better. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still weird, but I feel I have a challenge that I can handle. I’m set for it.

I start work next week sometime, which also heralds the coming of a work car, phone and laptop.

My wife is going to check out school today, and a friend has offered to help find her some work at one of two local Thai places. I feel hopeful, and putting on a brave face for my wife.

My wife still wants to go home and cries every night. We’ve spent $50 in phone calls home so far! She still says “ohn dtoe srok vweng jia moi bong, sa-ight” about 50 times day.

I know it still hasn’t got easier for her yet, and it probably won’t until she gets some social contact.

Well, it’s only been two weeks now. Without exaggerating, it feels like I have been home for 2 months!

The reverse culture shock, which was very weird, has passed for me now. I have never felt so negative in all my life. I just couldn’t see any hope, any positives, it was VERY weird.

Unfortunately for my wife, nothing has changed. Phone calls back home are up to $150 now, she only cries at night time now, instead of all day, and social contact is going nowhere.

She has been studying at school 2 days week (unfortunately in this country region, it is only available 2 days a week, instead of the 5 days in the city). I’ve been looking for work for her, but its really hard without English reading or writing skills. She hasn’t wanted to go out and do anything, and I’ve really had to push her to do so. Of late she has been so bad that she won’t even come out of our room!

I WAS supposed to start work tomorrow, but after a big heart to heart with my wife, and my sister, that’s been called off. My wife just can”t survive here like this. It’s too isolated. Once I start work she will go crazy alone here. My sister can’t afford to train and employ me for less than a 2 year period, if there is a chance my wife will want to fly back home again, taking me with her… which there is…

So, for this reason, we’ve decided to move to Melbourne. Its a HUGE step into the unknown for me…leaving the safety of cost free living here with my sister, and the surety of a job.

So, I’m contacting my old employer in Melbourne… who should have something for me, and asking for help from my friends in finding a house. Job prospects in Melbourne will be a million times better than here and she will have the added benefit of being in touch with Khmer organisations and communities.

Now we are living in Melbourne. Currently we’re staying with a friend. It’s on the outskirts of the city, but living with great people, which is just what the wife needed.

My wife is working at Khmer restaurant in Springvale, the Khmer capital of Melbourne, which is way out too and a long way to travel -but she’s working and happy, albeit for the rip off wage she is receiving.

Springvale is trippy. It’s a mini Cambodia, and just like being there again, except I can cause heart attacks at will by speaking Khmer and shocking the shit out of people…really…

I am back working at my old job again which is cruisey and fun. They welcomed me with open arms.

Needless to say, it feels like it has been a year since we moved here.

Last I wrote we had moved to Melbourne. My wife had found herself a job at a Khmer restaurant which was all cool and the gang.

Unfortunately she was being taken advantage of in a major way. The employer agreed to pay her $60 a day for work. We later discovered that this was also to be taxed. Also, my wife’s hours of work often dragged on, as she was being paid at a daily rate, not by the hour. Some days she would work more than 9 hours, and without a break, but most days she would work 8.

This meant that she was effectively getting $7.50 an hour, shit pay in anyone’s books. (The shop made sales of about $2000 a day). The restaurant was interesting. Since it is the only one that serves traditional Khmer fare, it is popular with all the corrupt, rich, and other Khmers that visit from the home country. Generals, businessmen, and boxers often come to eat there when visiting Melbourne.

It made me sick seeing the small community carpark filled with window tinted SUVs. Yes, they have those cars here too!

She was getting all her meals in the restaurant, so never spent any money. In typical Khmer fashion she managed to work and not spend any money at all, and saved about $2000 in the 2 months she worked there, despite the shit pay.

Her working conditions were shit, and she was being taken advantage of, despite me intervening at her request. I found that I was being used a lot to talk to her boss, because her boss was treating her like some clueless village girl she could cheat.

She wasn’t thrilled about working there, and neither was I. Seeing my wife paid half of the award wage really pissed me off, but despite all my efforts in finding her work elsewhere, with limited language skills, it was tough work and this job was the best we could do.

My wife’s had a few health issues…carried over from Cambodia, which we are finally able to address now that we have real medical care. She is on Medicare (Australia’s free national health fund), so is getting it all for free.

She recently left her job. It wasn’t the over work, the long hours, the low pay, or the bullshit she had to put up with from some of the entrenched staff there. In the end her boss asked her to come and work 2 days for free, to make up for a few hours she had taken off at the end of some long shifts to visit the hospital. This, despite her always coming in early, and working many hours without additional pay.

We are both happier now she is not working there. I was only happy with her working there because I knew she wanted to save money to get home, and it was an end to a means. Plus it was better than her staying at home.

Since then, many things have changed. She has slowly become more and more used to being here, though she still misses home terribly. She’s gone from wanting to go back immediately, to staying a week, then a month, and now she says she can stay here for a year, or maybe even two.

I am weary of staying so long though, as I have seen many of what I call ‘casualties’ – people who have gone past the sadness of missing home, and have decided to stay in Australia, never to return home. I don’t want to become a casualty.

She is focused on not going home until she has enough money for a car and house, and money for her family. She always has nightmares about going home and her family asking her for money and her not having any to give. She feels people will think she is a loser if she comes back from ‘the West’, and has nothing to show for it.

It”s been tough for me at times, because she has an expectation that coming here meant I would support her. Her family is happier now they have heard she isn’t working, because they never expected that she would have to. Khmers just don’t have the same work ethic as the west. Khmer men traditionally earn the money, and then give it to the women to spend on the family and food. Obviously both these things are different in the West.

Now, she is studying full-time, which we are both ecstatic about. She has a great school, great class, and great teacher. She is learning fast too. She’s top in her class for speaking, of course, but needs a lot of work in reading and writing, and grammar. I help at home, and it is really weird for me teaching things like basic grammar concepts, concepts that the Khmer teachers have usually already instilled in students.

I think that in the next 3 months she’ll be able to get herself a much better job, and be alot happier. Already she has made good friends at the school and is noticeably happier.

As for having a Khmer wife here… it can be draining. It’s like being responsible for a child. They don’t know how to shop, how to take public transport, how to find places, how to do banking, how to claim for health benefits, how to do anything… it can be a real drain. As much I love her, I feel that like sometimes it is a 24-7 job getting her up to speed about living in the West.

For me, I’ve gone back to my old company, who welcomed me with open arms. They wanted me to launch back into my old sales management roles, but I guess I’ve lost the veracity that I had the last time I was here. The great thing about my company is their size, flexibility, and the amount of different projects they are responsible for.

I’ve taken up a sales role, which is getting me $25/hour (all good) and I’m working extra hours outside of this in another department for $20/hour.

Being back in Melbourne wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be, mainly because of the nurturing environment in that I find us living. We are living with 2 women and a young girl. They are all fantastic with my wife, which has made things so much better.

I”ve found that most of my friends have either left the country, or are shared friends from my previous relationship, both groups that I cannot see anymore. So, returning here has been a tad lonely, but at the same time I am not going out partying, getting wasted, and spending loads of money. In fact, I am actually happier staying at home, not spending money, and saving it up for my return to Cambodia.

Its too easy to spend money here. I’m grateful for the value for the dollar that I have learnt whilst overseas, and quite happy living a life that doesn’t involve stupid consumerism and partying, whose purpose is only to kill the pain of a boring life in the west.

We are both looking forward to when we can return home to Cambodia, and putting it off for this time will only serve to increase the satisfaction when we both get there. My wife still misses home, more so at times when we call back to Cambodia to speak with family, who miss her terribly (her family are very close).
With every call back to family in Cambodia the pangs for home return, and I harbour my own fears.

Being here has made me appreciate Cambodia a hell of a lot more. I”ve developed some serious realisations from the contrast of being back home, that has made me value certain aspects a lot more.
For example, when I return I plan to spend a lot less time running around in a mad rush to earn money and keep busy and occupied, and spend a lot more time in a mamasan chair writing stories and relaxing.

The relationship between my wife and I has grown one hundred fold. We have developed new strengths in trust and independence, as well as a deepening of the bond between us.

There were days when I came back that I had wondered if I had done the right thing, and days when I was sure that I hadn’t. It’s a hard thing to explain, but now each moment with her is tinted with a special, shared closeness, which makes me feel so grateful to have chosen this path. It hasn’t been easy, but it was worth it

Doctor Seuss