CommentaryPhnom Penh

Cambodian Raindrops Keep Falling on My Broken Head

During the last couple of months we have all had occasion to have to wear a raincoat, I myself seem to have gathered a small collection of them over the last few rainy seasons without even realising it.

From my original, old faithful, thick, heavy, dark green ‘motodop professional’ one, right through to several tissue thin bright pink ones that make the kids look like walking, three-dimensional, condom advertisements as they skip to school in the rain.

My current favourite is a medium weight sunflower yellow one with ‘I love Singha’ in 5 inch high silver lettering – I got a pair of them free with several cases of beer. The other morning as I was wearing my ‘I love Singha’ raincoat, weaving in and out of traffic and raindrops, I stopped at my usual Khmer breakfast restaurant only to realise that something was not quite right, something was different, somehow something had changed, but in my atypical early morning, pre-caffeinated state I was unable to process the new visual data very quickly. Halfway through my first iced black coffee it hit me – I, in my shiny sunflower yellow glory, was clashing horribly with the new Knor stock cube tablecloths that the restaurant had suddenly gained for each and every table in the place.

For the last few months, Knor have been advertising heavily on Khmer television, but now it seems that they have started hitting the restaurants directly with lots of bright shiny yellow point of sale material. Slipping on my Russian Market Ray Bans I ordered a second iced coffee, ohh, I am so not a morning person. With the yellowness muted to a less eye-bleeding level, I resumed my reading of the Cambodia (rarely) Daily (almost) when I happened upon the story of a drunk getting pistol whipped and accidentally killed by a police office. The NGO community is always up in arms about this sort of thing, but they rarely seem to work with Law Enforcement establishments or individuals, so let me take it upon myself to do a little capacity building for the poor law enforcement officers of Cambodia.

Pistol Whipping 101

1) Always use the barrel of the pistol, never the grip as this may throw the piece out of alignment when pistol whipping an unruly hooligan, always keep your finger on the outside of the triggger guard; this will help prevent an accidental discharge which could also hit you.

2 ) A ‘backhand’ motion produces a smoother, more accurate and controlled whipping than a ‘clubbing’ motion.

3) Try to avoid hitting the uncouth yobbo in the temple as this is the weakest part of the skull; blows to either side of the head, the top or the rear provide just as disorientating experience but with a reduced risk of unintentional slaying. 4) Remember to clean your piece thoroughly after use, dried blood, hair follicles, DNA residue and fingerprints can be harmful to your weapon, not too mention your career, over a period of time. Next week, Lord Playboy’s Extreme Capacity Building agenda will bring you details on effective methods of laundering cash into the banking system.

Chin Chin

Lord Playboy

The views in this column are entirely those of Lord Playboy (of Phnom Penh, Sonteipheap and that muddy patch of ground next to the school;) they are in no way are representative of Khmer440, its editors or staff, of any Ministry of the Royal Government of Cambodia who employs Lord Playboy, of people who only go to bars when something is free, or of evil hearted Satan worshiping cartoonists, of employees of sexist NGOs that bar men from working for them, or those people who think you get tainted by just walking past a hostess bar. Damn, things will be different when I am running the Country.

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