An Open Letter to William E. Todd, the new U.S. Ambassador to Cambodia

On December 1, 2011 President Barack Obama nominated William E. Todd to succeed the Honorable Carol A. Rodley as U.S. Ambassador to Cambodia. Gavinmac writes a letter.

December 22, 2011

Dear Mr. Todd:

I hear that you will soon be arriving in Phnom Penh to serve as the new American ambassador to Cambodia. Let me be the first to wish you a hearty “Welcome!” Or, as they say in the local Khmer language, “Heyyouyouyouwhereyougo!”

Most of the news articles about your nomination describe you as a “career diplomat.” That’s good. We all know that there are only two types of U.S. Ambassadors — “career diplomats” and “unqualified hacks who happen to know the President.” Just two years ago, President Obama actually selected his college roommate as Ambassador to Belize. Wow, that guy must have been really good at holding the bong.

Seriously, your qualifications for this job are truly impressive. I understand that you have previously held a number of very important diplomatic and national security positions in both Republican and Democratic administrations. You even recently served as the U.S. Ambassador to Brunei. Not too shabby, Bill.

Of course, Brunei is perhaps the single most boring country on the face of the earth. There’s no alcohol, no crime, no unrest, and nothing remotely interesting ever happens there. Cambodia, on the other hand, is a chaotic kleptocracy, full of prostitution, drugs, poverty, and some genuinely unsavory characters. So I’m not sure that your Brunei experience will totally prepare you for Cambodia. It may be a bit like going from dating Diane Sawyer to dating Amy Winehouse.

Speaking of prostitution, you should know that in recent years Phnom Penh has experienced an explosion in its number of “hostess bars.” Hostess bars are bars staffed exclusively by impoverished young women who are trained in a very “hands on” approach to customer service, both inside the bar and beyond. These bars are notorious fronts for prostitution, often frequented by sleazy sexpats, degenerate English teachers, and even embassy personnel.

I personally believe that American embassy employees, particularly your snooty Foreign Service Officers, should demonstrate exemplary public behavior at all times while in their host country, and they should avoid any appearance of disreputable activity. That is why I propose that you ban all U.S. embassy personnel from entering hostess bars or spending their taxpayer-funded wages in these dens of ill-repute. It is quite hypocritical for the American government to claim to support anti-trafficking programs in Cambodia, while simultaneously allowing its embassy workers to blow their paychecks on “lady drinks” in the bars of Streets 104 and 136. Banning your embassy employees from hostess bars will help to combat prostitution and exploitation in Cambodia, and it will further our American ideals of racial and gender equality. The ban would also let guys like me have more of those gloriously slutty 19 year-old women all to myself.

Moreover, I’m a rather pathetic chap, and I might decide one day decide to marry a Cambodian woman half my age and take her back to the U.S. I certainly don’t want the embassy dude who conducts her visa interview to be the same cockblocker who was sitting on the barstool next to me when I met her.

In closing, congratulations on your nomination and good luck to you in your new job. In light of your unassailable credentials and the complete lack of controversy surrounding your nomination, I am sure that the U.S. Senate will swiftly confirm your appointment no later than October of 2017.

Best regards,

Gavinmac

P.S. As the U.S. Ambassador to Cambodia, you may be notified one day that a forty-ish year old American citizen has died under rather unflattering circumstances in a room at the Nagaworld Hotel and Casino. If that should happen, please be sure to tell the dead guy’s mother that her son was killed while tackling a suicide bomber who was about to blow up a Catholic church full of orphans and Irish nuns.